[HM... Well, he can't judge anyone for willingly walking into a possible trap so long as they're taking what's clearly the appropriate safety precautions! Good work team!!
Still, his brow creases in concern.]
...I'll fetch whatever help you need. [No smart "hey maybe reconsider"s to be had here. Another glance upward.]
[yeah this team doesn't know much for precaution, but jae-ha thinks that so long as souji isn't doing the actual helping, then he won't get caught in the trouble!]
Alright - I'll be jumping on three.
[because yeah, he'll have the hops to be able to get up there.]
One... two... three!
[which means that on three he jumps, he easily manages to reach yoon's hair decoration, and -
then they're going to be trapped in a bubble together]
[JAE-HA YOU FOOL!!! Souji is cursed and always finds his way into the loving arms of trouble and/or death!!
See: this.
Even with the warning and even with his honed (albeit suffering, thanks tb) reflexes, he's taken off his guard. Jae-ha's back with the decoration in hand and suddenly they're stuck in a bubble and boy, that happens fast!!]
... [JUST A BIG, DEEP SIGH as he places his hand on the bubble, which predictably does not budge.] I suppose it would have been too much to hope for something straight-forward for once.
Ah... I was hoping you wouldn't get caught in my mess. [he sounds more annoyed than anything??? rip] Well, at the very least, it doesn't seem to be entirely dangerous, so we can—
[think of ways to escape.
Is what he was going to say.
But then the memory begins to play. From Jae-ha's perspective, there is only darkness, then the gnawing confusion at the approach of someone in the middle of the night - and then the pain. The relentless, pain, both inside and out as he suffers under the blows from a desperate, crazed man, and the screaming of the dragon blood in his veins in anguish. There's the screams of someone familiar, of someone that Jae-ha wanted to reach out to even as he was pummeled.
... and as the power transfers, there's the calm knowledge that escape is close. It's near.
And yet - there is no anger.
There is instead something closer to forgiveness.
His hand reaches out in the memory and -
Jae-ha blinks as it stops, his heart aching in his chest as if he's waking up from a long, long forgotten part of his past.]
["Hm this situation is vaguely inconvenient" SURE DOES CHANGE FAST!! Before Souji can even crack a dry joke about not mentioning that things aren't dangerous when they don't know the situation, the scenery has taken a sharp shift.
He doesn't recognize anything about what he's seeing, or the phantoms of the experience he's now living second-hand. He doesn't recognize that man or the wildness in his approach, doesn't understand the desperation in him even if he does - a fleeting sort of understanding, like a dream within a dream. What he's saying is painful to hear. Almost - definitely? - more so than the physical blows that rain down.
Escape is close. What escape? A hand is offered. (Are you a martyr?) He's not sure why there isn't any anger to be had here, but all the same, that seems to fit perfectly.
And then, with that promise and extended hand, they're back to where they started.
Souji's visibly quite startled to suddenly be returned to a more present reality, and definitely shaken by the experience. It's a sharp difference from the lazy memories that had woven their way into his dreams, weeks ago.]
--Jae-ha...?
[His voice is small and quiet and asks to understand.]
It's different from the weeks before, when Jae-ha had no clue what it was that Sousei had gotten from him. No, he relives his own experiences and watches it with Souji. He blinks the memory away, trying to regain his bearings, and he finds Souji's face staring back at him....
And his automatic instinct is to smile.
Sheepishly - it's a fragile thing - but it's a smile.]
.... a dragon's life isn't always so beautiful.
Or maybe it's just me that was unlucky... Sorry to share that with you.
[The look that he gives Jae-ha's smile is one that shows he clearly isn't sure whether or not it's a good thing. The apology that follows, at least, is something he knows how to react to. He's shaking his head instantly, brow furrowed.]
Please don't apologize for it. I'm sorry that I saw.
[Because it's an intrusion, isn't it? Something like that... To a person like Jae-ha, who speaks of the beautiful things he loves so often, there's probably something uniquely awful in having such an ugly and painful memory to hold onto. Forget about how miserable it'd be to have it revealed unwillingly to someone else.
Almost on reflex, he holds his hands up and out, like he might reach for Jae-ha's. He's better at using gestures rather than words to convey meaning.
...But of course, as Jae-ha's memory fades away, a new one begins to take its place.
It's monstrous - very much like a demon's child, the way he slices through the intruders like one would do for pigs at slaughter. From the time he unsheathes his blade to the time Yamazaki stops him, he's driven by one thought: protect them and fight. And then, trapped by one single arm, clutching at it with his free hand and listening to the cries of his men fighting and dying not too far in the distance, there comes the rest: rage, terror, helplessness, despair. A deep and crushing hatred toward himself - What do you think you can do with that body? - until a sharp prick at the back of his neck abruptly cuts the images off, leaving the current Souji stunned into silence.]
[ - it's not like Jae-ha doesn't understand it. Immediately, innately, he understands. It's not unlike where he'd been before he came here, where he knew nothing but the fact that his body had to move forward to keep going, to reach the person that he wanted to protect most. He had to be useful, even if his body was broken and battered, there was something that mattered more than his own well-being. He blinks himself out of Souji's memory even as the despair clings to the edges of it.
But there's something enlightened in his gaze.
Where Souji was reaching for his hands - Jae-ha completes the motion now, taking them and giving them a gentle but undeniably firm squeeze.
And he offers a smile, because even after the darkness of his own memory, he can't help the lightness and admiration that consumes him now.]
[It's a pretty recent memory, which makes it a little harder for him to shake it off - but the obviously unexpected reaction here clearly does just that, or at least gives him something to focus on that isn't the oppressive weight of Jae-ha's memory or the fresh sting of his own.
He hadn't been very amazing in that moment, really. Even his ability to kill had been worthless. With his failing body, he hadn't even been able to make his way out into the courtyard where the real fighting was. The filth inside of him had overflown and made a terrible mess, and Yamazaki was left having to tend to him once again.
He looks down at their hands, and even though his brow isn't furrowed, there's a distinct sense that he doesn't see where Jae-ha's coming from.]
I should explain... I felt what you felt in that moment and - I suppose I can understand. That moment when your body won't do what you want it to... I came from a battlefield not long before I arrived here at this castle, and I felt every last bit of my energy expended right in the middle of a fight. It was frustrating, and I couldn't stand it.
[But he can't quite shake his smile as he meets Souji's eyes.]
You really didn't want to listen to anyone, did you? But - even if it's possibly not right, I think that's amazing. You knew what you wanted to do, what you had to do... and I'm torn -
Because I understand the people who are worried about you. I get worried about you. Of course they want you out of harm's way when the pain of losing you would be so great....
[ . . . ]
But it's frustrating, isn't it? That's no way to live - in obedience, waiting for the end to come patiently.
So that moving forward, fighting until your last breath to live the life that you want to instead of the one that you're told to... I think that's beautiful.
No one except Hijikata really understood, until now - and Hijikata himself hadn't yet known the extent of his illness. Not in the way Yamazaki had. Yamazaki, who wanted to force him to continue living, even if it meant wasting away in bed, so far away from the battlefields he was born for that he couldn't even be water for the new flowers waiting to bloom. Yamazaki, who had done nothing wrong, but who he still held in mildly bitter regard just because he did hate being forced to bend to that will.
There's understanding in his own eyes, first, and then an almost fever-bright sort of intensity as it really clicks. Someone gets it. Souji's suddenly grasping Jae-ha's hands in turn with a strength that someone so sickly shouldn't reasonably be capable of, stepping forward with the urgency of a dying man, heedless of the fact that the bubble is dissipating around them, like his view has narrowed down to a singular point.
He thinks of the memory he'd seen. Of the iron shackling Jae-ha down, only for him to break it so easily, to decide on his own terms what he would or wouldn't offer. Where he would or wouldn't go. Is that where it came from? The aesthetic that he lives by, even today?]
That's-- [That's exactly it, isn't it?] That's where I'm meant to be. [Or perhaps more importantly:] That's where I want to be. I've only ever wanted that.
[To live and die as a sword. It's awful - he's awful, really - but he'd certainly do anything if it meant he could die by his own terms. In a sudden burst of honesty:]
I can't stand it. Being told to sit in my room like that, like I'm meant to wait there until I die - I really can't stand it. You understand.
[Not a question so much as a confirmation. Even like this, one person is able to see what he so desperately wants and still say I think that's beautiful.
[Without question - he nods. He doesn't pull his hands away from Souji's, only squeezes them back in return. There's no stopping the smile on his face or the laugh that he has to offer at that because - of course he understands.]
Of course I do.
[And his brow furrows because - ]
... they mean well, don't they? When they tell you to rest, when they keep you somewhere because they think that's what's right - [whether you're waiting for death or for a master that you never agreed to] - but that's still just what they want. They won't have to be the ones who have to live with being told to patiently wait, however long that is, for whatever is coming.
[He raises both of their hands up, just so that he can kiss the back of Souji's hands without hesitation.]
But if these hands have something else they want to do - if your legs have somewhere else that you want to go, if it means living on your own terms....
Souji turns his palms after Jae-ha kisses the back of his hands, carefully cradling his face instead. In sharp contrast to the crushing grip his fingers were capable of just seconds before, his touch is light here, like he's searching for something delicate with his fingertips, or like he's afraid of scaring away the warmth beneath his skin.
He's not strong. Not really. Matsumoto had said he was - had called him a man stronger than a doctor himself - but he wouldn't call what fuels him strength so much as ignorance, or selfishness. He's a very selfish person, constantly making grabs for more than he's owed. Always wanting for more. Always hurting the people around him because he can't be satisfied with just existing, because just existing is simply not enough.]
I don't want to stop.
[Not until there's no use left in him, and he can die knowing he achieved everything he could hope to achieve, being what he is.]
...You never regret it, do you? Leaving that room behind. I want to live like that for as long as I have left.
[After all, it's not dying young that frightens him. It's wasting away, full of regret, and leaving nothing worth remembering behind.]
[Jae-ha doesn't flinch away from the hands on his face - rather there's an automatic, instinctive way that he leans into Souji's touch without hesitation. There's warmth and gentleness there and he wants to drink in every single show of affection that he's offered.
At the question he laughs faintly - and he shakes his head ever so slightly. Not even enough to shake off Souji's hands, but rather just to accompany his explanation.]
They told me - they said there would be nothing for me in the outside world. People would be afraid, or they'd find me ugly, or I would never find a place to belong. That instead, I should stay where I was. Maybe one day there would be someone coming for me, a King that wanted to use my power, and then I could leave. But... I spent twelve years in there, and nothing ever changed.
Nothing ever made me stop wanting to run as far as I could - to have a life of my own, how I wanted it.
Everyone dies - and dragon die earlier than most - so why should I spend the time I have doing as other people say?
[Souji hums a little as Jae-ha explains, trying to take in the information and really understand it. There's already something in it that he can understand on an innate level, though, having been kept away from people due to his fearsome strength even as a small child. These hands that he'd hated so much had eventually become useful, and being able to cleave through enemies effortlessly wound up bringing him great happiness in the form of praise, of being wanted, of being a necessary piece to the backbone of the Shinsengumi.
Now, they're soft and careful, fingers curving down the sides of Jae-ha's face, following his jawline until they're close enough to touch the sides of his mouth. It's a meandering, aimless sort of gesture. Souji is always hungry for contact, and when he feels particularly lifeless, he seeks out the life in those bursting with it.
Funny, then, that Jae-ha is also running on a shorter clock than most.]
I'm glad that you left that place.
[Even if it feels like it was probably an inevitable thing. Jae-ha may not be fond of tales of fate or destiny, but it does seem to him like he was probably someone fated from the start to break free from anyone or anything that would try to confine him, pin him like a butterfly, tell him what he should make of the world.
He stares at Jae-ha's face in a way that's almost sharp, then, but there's something in his expression that seems admirous regardless.]
...Is it hard for you to imagine what it would be like to grow old?
[It's a response that Jae-ha breathes out softly in the space between them, even as he feels Souji's hands trace along the lines of his face. He remains still up until he seems to think about that, a small hum emanating from his throat as he reaches to wrap his own fingers around Souji's wrists to lightly hold them in place even as Jae-ha's head turns. It's a thoughtless, simple thing to kiss Souji's fingertips on one hand, like he'd taken their touch by the edge of his lips as a request.]
... It's never been something meant for me. I'd been told - dragons die very soon after a new one is born. They never make it to thirty years.
[He presses a kiss into the center of Souji's palm, careless of any callouses or roughness that might belong on a swordsman's hands.]
So I'd never thought that life would be for me. I was never given as much time as everyone else... so I've never given it any thought. Besides -
[His eyes flick to meet Souji's gaze properly even as he turns Souji's hand so that he can press a kiss over his pulse point on the inside of his wrist.]
Plenty of people die before they grow old - what's the difference as long as I make sure my years count for something?
[There's a second where he tenses reflexively, since warrior's instinct has him naturally bristling to be pinned in any way, even if his wrists are just being lightly held. But it's a tension that only lasts a second, and Souji lets Jae-ha kiss his fingers and hands and wrist with an almost docile acceptance that brightly contrasts with how sharp he is in battle.
It's nice, though. Being able to feel close to others like this is nice.]
So you don't have many left.
[Years, that is. There's something in his voice that might be a little melancholy, but he doesn't exactly sound mournful. Not even surprised, really. Maybe there's something to that notion he'd heard once - how people close to death can sense it on others.
Carefully, he extracts one hand from Jae-ha's hold, but only so he can grab that hand for himself. He guides it to his own face, so he can rest his fevered cheek against it, briefly closing his eyes.]
... that's hard to say. I'm surprised regularly - each day, I might find something more than I want to do.
[Something that he might not have time for.
He lets Souji take his hand easily at that, gently cupping Souji's cheek in return. His free hand moves to tuck Souji's hair behind his ear on the other side of his face, letting his fingers fall to trace the line of his jaw quietly.]
I think I could stand to want to sit here with you for a while longer... is one.
[He tilts his head. It's sweet words - and while he means them, he also knows that he's using them to fill the space as he finds the words for the rest of his answer. It's one thing to know them innately, but perhaps it's another to actually say them out loud.]
But as long as I pursue what I want to do, and live the way I want to, even if it's not always beautiful for others to watch by the end... that's the only type of life I want to live. Protecting the people that I want to protect, being at the side of the ones that I choose on my own, and pursuing anything else that I could want as passionately as I can.
[Isn't that the worst of it? That no matter how satisfied you are with the things you've done, there are always more things, grander things, better and bigger things - things that will remain unseen, untouched, untried, unheard. He's at peace with a short life, it's true. He has been since long before he first fell ill. But that doesn't stop his selfish heart from wanting more.
Souji lifts his chin a little as Jae-ha's fingers trace out his jaw, huffing out a laugh without a smile to match it.]
I think I understand what you mean... ["I can only do my best", maybe. Things are unpredictable in that awful and beautiful way life can sometimes be, but if you pursue what you believe to be right with the full amount of vigor that you can... That's all, isn't it? That's all.] Someone like you doesn't deserve to regret, so I hope you find satisfaction in the way that you live.
[Finally, he smiles, as if a belated reaction separated from his laugh by the threads of frankly morbid thought that his mind is occupied with. He turns his face a little, speaking half into Jae-ha's palm.]
I could never really picture myself living to an old age, either.
[Maybe he should keep pursuing what he wants as passionately as he can, too.]
[It's the way that Jae-ha exists - the constant restlessness, the pursuit of what he wants to do, so long as it doesn't hurt others. Breaking away from any shackles, any expectations that belong to other people, even if it means defying fate and prophecy itself. He'll go against his own blood if it means that his heart and mind can pursue what's beautiful.
Yet when Souji moves his face, Jae-ha pulls away only a fraction. Just enough to guide Souji's face back to his, only so that Jae-ha can move to close some of the space between them -
He'll let his forehead fall against Souji's as a smile blooms across his lips.]
I'd like to have as much time with you as I can selfishly take.
[That much he can admit to - because there are people that Jae-ha won't want to leave even if he got 1,000 years more than he currently has. And yet...]
But if there's something that drives you, that you'd sooner chase after until your legs don't work, that you'd rather pursue selfishly in the name of your own ideals than let pass by safely -
I'll be the last person to tell you that that's wrong.
[No regrets sounds like a beautiful way to live, so it's only fitting that Jae-ha live it to the fullest just like that, right?
Maybe he's a little envious.
There's a mildly inquisitive look as his face is guided straight again, and Jae-ha's forehead is probably a little cool compared to his own, considering his fever. But it's still nice. Solid. The words are sweet and kind and they make him smile, and he's bringing his hands up again, resting feather-light against the sides of Jae-ha's head.
Softly:]
I don't think it's what happens to me.
[He hasn't read the history books that he had brought along with him so many weeks ago. Hijikata had died just two days after he first found them, and the could never really rope up the courage he needed to check after that. But between what he knows about his own health and the things Yasusada had said, he can hazard a decent guess.]
But it's a nice dream to have. I'll make the most of what I have while I can, too.
[Even if that just means treasuring the things he's found and the people he loves right here, right now.]
[Jae-ha raises a brow at that - and his expression turns curious. Wondering. There's no hiding his surprise if only because - ] Who told you that...? Is it because of what that man said?
[The one in Souji's memory - the one who question what he'd be able to do with a body like that. Jae-ha thinks back on it and he contemplates. Souji had both his arms, he had both of his legs - he could have done plenty. Even in that hallway, he managed to do plenty. Making a difference for the people that you care about, even if you think they're small in the long run...]
I think I remember telling you once that I thought you possess the loyalty of dragons - but I never once thought that you'd be shackled to fate the same way that we are.
To be thinking so far ahead - as if something will happen to you, and you cannot escape it - maybe I'm telling you the wrong thing...
But I don't think someone as beautiful as you should pay attention to something as small and fickle as 'fate'. [He pulls one hand away from Souji's face, taking one of Souji's hands instead and bringing it over his own chest, with his heart beats steadily.] You and I are similar that way.
Each breath you take is already an act of defiance, and your heart obviously beats for something more than the time that you have.
If it's already like that, why put up the facade of bare minimum satisfaction?
[The first question is one that earns him a little laugh, and Souji shakes his head a little even though he doesn't bother moving it away from Jae-ha's.]
Yamazaki-san is a fine doctor. He only worries as a doctor would.
[Honestly Yamazaki deserves a gotdam award for putting up with him. In any case, it's not that that's unnerved him, and he feels he'll continue to defy Yamazaki's well-intentioned orders until he's physically incapable of continuing to do so.
As his hand is moved and he can feel Jae-ha's heartbeat beneath his fingertips, he feels a little more at peace, somehow. There are certainly moments he hates this castle and hates being here. But he'd meant it when he said he doesn't regret it. Not if it brings him to people like this, who say they understand and truly, truly do.]
...It's a kind thing to say. A nice one to hear, too. I will fight, you know? I'll fight for as long as I can.
[Because he is defiant, and he'll always push himself to and beyond his limits in search of more than what he has. Affection, love, time, health. His fingers curl a little into the fabric of Jae-ha's shirt. A beat of silence passes.]
...There are people here from the world I know, but much farther into the future, long after I've died. I suppose you could say I'm a piece of history to them.
[Along with everything written out; all their victories and losses, all their triumphs and defeats, all of the suffering whittled down to pages of print in a book. The notion of reading it is more terrifying to him than the thought he might die here, honestly. It's an answer to Jae-ha's first question, in any case; no one told him. Not exactly.]
[A piece of history.... Jae-ha thinks about that, his expression contemplative for a moment, thinking about what it would be like to live in a world where someone could tell him how the future played out. He could learn how everything turned out ten years down the line - with simply a word as to who the ruling family is. He could learn what kind of world fell into shape after he passed.
... and he will most certainly pass. That is the one unshakeable fact that he can't dissuade himself from. The end will come.
But even if he heard what kind of future awaits him - ]
Do you think that future is set in stone? Do you think that your choices don't matter, and since that what you've been told will happen, that's what's going to happen?
[It still sounds a bit like a prophecy, doesn't it?
Isn't that what Jae-ha's always spent his life living in spite of?]
Kissing is a no-go considering he doesn't want anyone to die, but hugging is still fine. Rather than answer the question directly at first, Souji just shakes his head and steps forward, moving his arms so he can fold Jae-ha into them and rest his forehead against his chest.
His feelings are conflicted, largely due to Yasusada and what he'd heard about his sword's mission - to protect history as it happened. Yasusada had been so proud, even with everything he'd been through, everything to come on Souji's side of time. Would it be selfish, wanting to change that distant future for his own sake? Wanting to potentially alter or even destroy the happiness of people he'd never met and never would, just because in some strange butterfly effect, his death made their future possible? Probably.
He's a selfish person, though. Rotten to the core - someone who would surely jump at the chance to rid his body of the illness destroying it, if only he could have more time by the sides of his precious people.]
All I know how to do is fight.
[It's not self-deprecative, though. It's a simple statement, muffled slightly though it is, and an answer to those questions.
He knows he'll continue to fight. He just also knows he can't win against an illness with no cure.]
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
no subject
Still, his brow creases in concern.]
...I'll fetch whatever help you need. [No smart "hey maybe reconsider"s to be had here. Another glance upward.]
Just give me a little warning before you grab it.
no subject
Alright - I'll be jumping on three.
[because yeah, he'll have the hops to be able to get up there.]
One... two... three!
[which means that on three he jumps, he easily manages to reach yoon's hair decoration, and -
then they're going to be trapped in a bubble together]
Ha?
no subject
See: this.
Even with the warning and even with his honed (albeit suffering, thanks tb) reflexes, he's taken off his guard. Jae-ha's back with the decoration in hand and suddenly they're stuck in a bubble and boy, that happens fast!!]
... [JUST A BIG, DEEP SIGH as he places his hand on the bubble, which predictably does not budge.] I suppose it would have been too much to hope for something straight-forward for once.
no subject
[think of ways to escape.
Is what he was going to say.
But then the memory begins to play. From Jae-ha's perspective, there is only darkness, then the gnawing confusion at the approach of someone in the middle of the night - and then the pain. The relentless, pain, both inside and out as he suffers under the blows from a desperate, crazed man, and the screaming of the dragon blood in his veins in anguish. There's the screams of someone familiar, of someone that Jae-ha wanted to reach out to even as he was pummeled.
... and as the power transfers, there's the calm knowledge that escape is close. It's near.
And yet - there is no anger.
There is instead something closer to forgiveness.
His hand reaches out in the memory and -
Jae-ha blinks as it stops, his heart aching in his chest as if he's waking up from a long, long forgotten part of his past.]
no subject
He doesn't recognize anything about what he's seeing, or the phantoms of the experience he's now living second-hand. He doesn't recognize that man or the wildness in his approach, doesn't understand the desperation in him even if he does - a fleeting sort of understanding, like a dream within a dream. What he's saying is painful to hear. Almost - definitely? - more so than the physical blows that rain down.
Escape is close. What escape? A hand is offered. (Are you a martyr?) He's not sure why there isn't any anger to be had here, but all the same, that seems to fit perfectly.
And then, with that promise and extended hand, they're back to where they started.
Souji's visibly quite startled to suddenly be returned to a more present reality, and definitely shaken by the experience. It's a sharp difference from the lazy memories that had woven their way into his dreams, weeks ago.]
--Jae-ha...?
[His voice is small and quiet and asks to understand.]
no subject
It's different from the weeks before, when Jae-ha had no clue what it was that Sousei had gotten from him. No, he relives his own experiences and watches it with Souji. He blinks the memory away, trying to regain his bearings, and he finds Souji's face staring back at him....
And his automatic instinct is to smile.
Sheepishly - it's a fragile thing - but it's a smile.]
.... a dragon's life isn't always so beautiful.
Or maybe it's just me that was unlucky... Sorry to share that with you.
no subject
Please don't apologize for it. I'm sorry that I saw.
[Because it's an intrusion, isn't it? Something like that... To a person like Jae-ha, who speaks of the beautiful things he loves so often, there's probably something uniquely awful in having such an ugly and painful memory to hold onto. Forget about how miserable it'd be to have it revealed unwillingly to someone else.
Almost on reflex, he holds his hands up and out, like he might reach for Jae-ha's. He's better at using gestures rather than words to convey meaning.
...But of course, as Jae-ha's memory fades away, a new one begins to take its place.
It's monstrous - very much like a demon's child, the way he slices through the intruders like one would do for pigs at slaughter. From the time he unsheathes his blade to the time Yamazaki stops him, he's driven by one thought: protect them and fight. And then, trapped by one single arm, clutching at it with his free hand and listening to the cries of his men fighting and dying not too far in the distance, there comes the rest: rage, terror, helplessness, despair. A deep and crushing hatred toward himself - What do you think you can do with that body? - until a sharp prick at the back of his neck abruptly cuts the images off, leaving the current Souji stunned into silence.]
no subject
But there's something enlightened in his gaze.
Where Souji was reaching for his hands - Jae-ha completes the motion now, taking them and giving them a gentle but undeniably firm squeeze.
And he offers a smile, because even after the darkness of his own memory, he can't help the lightness and admiration that consumes him now.]
—You're really amazing, you know?
no subject
He hadn't been very amazing in that moment, really. Even his ability to kill had been worthless. With his failing body, he hadn't even been able to make his way out into the courtyard where the real fighting was. The filth inside of him had overflown and made a terrible mess, and Yamazaki was left having to tend to him once again.
He looks down at their hands, and even though his brow isn't furrowed, there's a distinct sense that he doesn't see where Jae-ha's coming from.]
I don't... understand.
[AMERICA EXPLAIN]
no subject
I should explain... I felt what you felt in that moment and - I suppose I can understand. That moment when your body won't do what you want it to... I came from a battlefield not long before I arrived here at this castle, and I felt every last bit of my energy expended right in the middle of a fight. It was frustrating, and I couldn't stand it.
[But he can't quite shake his smile as he meets Souji's eyes.]
You really didn't want to listen to anyone, did you? But - even if it's possibly not right, I think that's amazing. You knew what you wanted to do, what you had to do... and I'm torn -
Because I understand the people who are worried about you. I get worried about you. Of course they want you out of harm's way when the pain of losing you would be so great....
[ . . . ]
But it's frustrating, isn't it? That's no way to live - in obedience, waiting for the end to come patiently.
So that moving forward, fighting until your last breath to live the life that you want to instead of the one that you're told to... I think that's beautiful.
You're really something.
no subject
No one except Hijikata really understood, until now - and Hijikata himself hadn't yet known the extent of his illness. Not in the way Yamazaki had. Yamazaki, who wanted to force him to continue living, even if it meant wasting away in bed, so far away from the battlefields he was born for that he couldn't even be water for the new flowers waiting to bloom. Yamazaki, who had done nothing wrong, but who he still held in mildly bitter regard just because he did hate being forced to bend to that will.
There's understanding in his own eyes, first, and then an almost fever-bright sort of intensity as it really clicks. Someone gets it. Souji's suddenly grasping Jae-ha's hands in turn with a strength that someone so sickly shouldn't reasonably be capable of, stepping forward with the urgency of a dying man, heedless of the fact that the bubble is dissipating around them, like his view has narrowed down to a singular point.
He thinks of the memory he'd seen. Of the iron shackling Jae-ha down, only for him to break it so easily, to decide on his own terms what he would or wouldn't offer. Where he would or wouldn't go. Is that where it came from? The aesthetic that he lives by, even today?]
That's-- [That's exactly it, isn't it?] That's where I'm meant to be. [Or perhaps more importantly:] That's where I want to be. I've only ever wanted that.
[To live and die as a sword. It's awful - he's awful, really - but he'd certainly do anything if it meant he could die by his own terms. In a sudden burst of honesty:]
I can't stand it. Being told to sit in my room like that, like I'm meant to wait there until I die - I really can't stand it. You understand.
[Not a question so much as a confirmation. Even like this, one person is able to see what he so desperately wants and still say I think that's beautiful.
The amazing one is Jae-ha, really.]
no subject
Of course I do.
[And his brow furrows because - ]
... they mean well, don't they? When they tell you to rest, when they keep you somewhere because they think that's what's right - [whether you're waiting for death or for a master that you never agreed to] - but that's still just what they want. They won't have to be the ones who have to live with being told to patiently wait, however long that is, for whatever is coming.
[He raises both of their hands up, just so that he can kiss the back of Souji's hands without hesitation.]
But if these hands have something else they want to do - if your legs have somewhere else that you want to go, if it means living on your own terms....
How can I ever tell you to stop?
no subject
Souji turns his palms after Jae-ha kisses the back of his hands, carefully cradling his face instead. In sharp contrast to the crushing grip his fingers were capable of just seconds before, his touch is light here, like he's searching for something delicate with his fingertips, or like he's afraid of scaring away the warmth beneath his skin.
He's not strong. Not really. Matsumoto had said he was - had called him a man stronger than a doctor himself - but he wouldn't call what fuels him strength so much as ignorance, or selfishness. He's a very selfish person, constantly making grabs for more than he's owed. Always wanting for more. Always hurting the people around him because he can't be satisfied with just existing, because just existing is simply not enough.]
I don't want to stop.
[Not until there's no use left in him, and he can die knowing he achieved everything he could hope to achieve, being what he is.]
...You never regret it, do you? Leaving that room behind. I want to live like that for as long as I have left.
[After all, it's not dying young that frightens him. It's wasting away, full of regret, and leaving nothing worth remembering behind.]
no subject
At the question he laughs faintly - and he shakes his head ever so slightly. Not even enough to shake off Souji's hands, but rather just to accompany his explanation.]
They told me - they said there would be nothing for me in the outside world. People would be afraid, or they'd find me ugly, or I would never find a place to belong. That instead, I should stay where I was. Maybe one day there would be someone coming for me, a King that wanted to use my power, and then I could leave. But... I spent twelve years in there, and nothing ever changed.
Nothing ever made me stop wanting to run as far as I could - to have a life of my own, how I wanted it.
Everyone dies - and dragon die earlier than most - so why should I spend the time I have doing as other people say?
no subject
Now, they're soft and careful, fingers curving down the sides of Jae-ha's face, following his jawline until they're close enough to touch the sides of his mouth. It's a meandering, aimless sort of gesture. Souji is always hungry for contact, and when he feels particularly lifeless, he seeks out the life in those bursting with it.
Funny, then, that Jae-ha is also running on a shorter clock than most.]
I'm glad that you left that place.
[Even if it feels like it was probably an inevitable thing. Jae-ha may not be fond of tales of fate or destiny, but it does seem to him like he was probably someone fated from the start to break free from anyone or anything that would try to confine him, pin him like a butterfly, tell him what he should make of the world.
He stares at Jae-ha's face in a way that's almost sharp, then, but there's something in his expression that seems admirous regardless.]
...Is it hard for you to imagine what it would be like to grow old?
no subject
[It's a response that Jae-ha breathes out softly in the space between them, even as he feels Souji's hands trace along the lines of his face. He remains still up until he seems to think about that, a small hum emanating from his throat as he reaches to wrap his own fingers around Souji's wrists to lightly hold them in place even as Jae-ha's head turns. It's a thoughtless, simple thing to kiss Souji's fingertips on one hand, like he'd taken their touch by the edge of his lips as a request.]
... It's never been something meant for me. I'd been told - dragons die very soon after a new one is born. They never make it to thirty years.
[He presses a kiss into the center of Souji's palm, careless of any callouses or roughness that might belong on a swordsman's hands.]
So I'd never thought that life would be for me. I was never given as much time as everyone else... so I've never given it any thought. Besides -
[His eyes flick to meet Souji's gaze properly even as he turns Souji's hand so that he can press a kiss over his pulse point on the inside of his wrist.]
Plenty of people die before they grow old - what's the difference as long as I make sure my years count for something?
no subject
It's nice, though. Being able to feel close to others like this is nice.]
So you don't have many left.
[Years, that is. There's something in his voice that might be a little melancholy, but he doesn't exactly sound mournful. Not even surprised, really. Maybe there's something to that notion he'd heard once - how people close to death can sense it on others.
Carefully, he extracts one hand from Jae-ha's hold, but only so he can grab that hand for himself. He guides it to his own face, so he can rest his fevered cheek against it, briefly closing his eyes.]
Do you think you'll die with no regrets, then?
no subject
[Something that he might not have time for.
He lets Souji take his hand easily at that, gently cupping Souji's cheek in return. His free hand moves to tuck Souji's hair behind his ear on the other side of his face, letting his fingers fall to trace the line of his jaw quietly.]
I think I could stand to want to sit here with you for a while longer... is one.
[He tilts his head. It's sweet words - and while he means them, he also knows that he's using them to fill the space as he finds the words for the rest of his answer. It's one thing to know them innately, but perhaps it's another to actually say them out loud.]
But as long as I pursue what I want to do, and live the way I want to, even if it's not always beautiful for others to watch by the end... that's the only type of life I want to live. Protecting the people that I want to protect, being at the side of the ones that I choose on my own, and pursuing anything else that I could want as passionately as I can.
no subject
Souji lifts his chin a little as Jae-ha's fingers trace out his jaw, huffing out a laugh without a smile to match it.]
I think I understand what you mean... ["I can only do my best", maybe. Things are unpredictable in that awful and beautiful way life can sometimes be, but if you pursue what you believe to be right with the full amount of vigor that you can... That's all, isn't it? That's all.] Someone like you doesn't deserve to regret, so I hope you find satisfaction in the way that you live.
[Finally, he smiles, as if a belated reaction separated from his laugh by the threads of frankly morbid thought that his mind is occupied with. He turns his face a little, speaking half into Jae-ha's palm.]
I could never really picture myself living to an old age, either.
[Maybe he should keep pursuing what he wants as passionately as he can, too.]
no subject
[It's the way that Jae-ha exists - the constant restlessness, the pursuit of what he wants to do, so long as it doesn't hurt others. Breaking away from any shackles, any expectations that belong to other people, even if it means defying fate and prophecy itself. He'll go against his own blood if it means that his heart and mind can pursue what's beautiful.
Yet when Souji moves his face, Jae-ha pulls away only a fraction. Just enough to guide Souji's face back to his, only so that Jae-ha can move to close some of the space between them -
He'll let his forehead fall against Souji's as a smile blooms across his lips.]
I'd like to have as much time with you as I can selfishly take.
[That much he can admit to - because there are people that Jae-ha won't want to leave even if he got 1,000 years more than he currently has. And yet...]
But if there's something that drives you, that you'd sooner chase after until your legs don't work, that you'd rather pursue selfishly in the name of your own ideals than let pass by safely -
I'll be the last person to tell you that that's wrong.
no subject
Maybe he's a little envious.
There's a mildly inquisitive look as his face is guided straight again, and Jae-ha's forehead is probably a little cool compared to his own, considering his fever. But it's still nice. Solid. The words are sweet and kind and they make him smile, and he's bringing his hands up again, resting feather-light against the sides of Jae-ha's head.
Softly:]
I don't think it's what happens to me.
[He hasn't read the history books that he had brought along with him so many weeks ago. Hijikata had died just two days after he first found them, and the could never really rope up the courage he needed to check after that. But between what he knows about his own health and the things Yasusada had said, he can hazard a decent guess.]
But it's a nice dream to have. I'll make the most of what I have while I can, too.
[Even if that just means treasuring the things he's found and the people he loves right here, right now.]
no subject
[Jae-ha raises a brow at that - and his expression turns curious. Wondering. There's no hiding his surprise if only because - ] Who told you that...? Is it because of what that man said?
[The one in Souji's memory - the one who question what he'd be able to do with a body like that. Jae-ha thinks back on it and he contemplates. Souji had both his arms, he had both of his legs - he could have done plenty. Even in that hallway, he managed to do plenty. Making a difference for the people that you care about, even if you think they're small in the long run...]
I think I remember telling you once that I thought you possess the loyalty of dragons - but I never once thought that you'd be shackled to fate the same way that we are.
To be thinking so far ahead - as if something will happen to you, and you cannot escape it - maybe I'm telling you the wrong thing...
But I don't think someone as beautiful as you should pay attention to something as small and fickle as 'fate'. [He pulls one hand away from Souji's face, taking one of Souji's hands instead and bringing it over his own chest, with his heart beats steadily.] You and I are similar that way.
Each breath you take is already an act of defiance, and your heart obviously beats for something more than the time that you have.
If it's already like that, why put up the facade of bare minimum satisfaction?
no subject
Yamazaki-san is a fine doctor. He only worries as a doctor would.
[Honestly Yamazaki deserves a gotdam award for putting up with him. In any case, it's not that that's unnerved him, and he feels he'll continue to defy Yamazaki's well-intentioned orders until he's physically incapable of continuing to do so.
As his hand is moved and he can feel Jae-ha's heartbeat beneath his fingertips, he feels a little more at peace, somehow. There are certainly moments he hates this castle and hates being here. But he'd meant it when he said he doesn't regret it. Not if it brings him to people like this, who say they understand and truly, truly do.]
...It's a kind thing to say. A nice one to hear, too. I will fight, you know? I'll fight for as long as I can.
[Because he is defiant, and he'll always push himself to and beyond his limits in search of more than what he has. Affection, love, time, health. His fingers curl a little into the fabric of Jae-ha's shirt. A beat of silence passes.]
...There are people here from the world I know, but much farther into the future, long after I've died. I suppose you could say I'm a piece of history to them.
[Along with everything written out; all their victories and losses, all their triumphs and defeats, all of the suffering whittled down to pages of print in a book. The notion of reading it is more terrifying to him than the thought he might die here, honestly. It's an answer to Jae-ha's first question, in any case; no one told him. Not exactly.]
no subject
... and he will most certainly pass. That is the one unshakeable fact that he can't dissuade himself from. The end will come.
But even if he heard what kind of future awaits him - ]
Do you think that future is set in stone? Do you think that your choices don't matter, and since that what you've been told will happen, that's what's going to happen?
[It still sounds a bit like a prophecy, doesn't it?
Isn't that what Jae-ha's always spent his life living in spite of?]
no subject
Kissing is a no-go considering he doesn't want anyone to die, but hugging is still fine. Rather than answer the question directly at first, Souji just shakes his head and steps forward, moving his arms so he can fold Jae-ha into them and rest his forehead against his chest.
His feelings are conflicted, largely due to Yasusada and what he'd heard about his sword's mission - to protect history as it happened. Yasusada had been so proud, even with everything he'd been through, everything to come on Souji's side of time. Would it be selfish, wanting to change that distant future for his own sake? Wanting to potentially alter or even destroy the happiness of people he'd never met and never would, just because in some strange butterfly effect, his death made their future possible? Probably.
He's a selfish person, though. Rotten to the core - someone who would surely jump at the chance to rid his body of the illness destroying it, if only he could have more time by the sides of his precious people.]
All I know how to do is fight.
[It's not self-deprecative, though. It's a simple statement, muffled slightly though it is, and an answer to those questions.
He knows he'll continue to fight. He just also knows he can't win against an illness with no cure.]
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)