[Without question - he nods. He doesn't pull his hands away from Souji's, only squeezes them back in return. There's no stopping the smile on his face or the laugh that he has to offer at that because - of course he understands.]
Of course I do.
[And his brow furrows because - ]
... they mean well, don't they? When they tell you to rest, when they keep you somewhere because they think that's what's right - [whether you're waiting for death or for a master that you never agreed to] - but that's still just what they want. They won't have to be the ones who have to live with being told to patiently wait, however long that is, for whatever is coming.
[He raises both of their hands up, just so that he can kiss the back of Souji's hands without hesitation.]
But if these hands have something else they want to do - if your legs have somewhere else that you want to go, if it means living on your own terms....
Souji turns his palms after Jae-ha kisses the back of his hands, carefully cradling his face instead. In sharp contrast to the crushing grip his fingers were capable of just seconds before, his touch is light here, like he's searching for something delicate with his fingertips, or like he's afraid of scaring away the warmth beneath his skin.
He's not strong. Not really. Matsumoto had said he was - had called him a man stronger than a doctor himself - but he wouldn't call what fuels him strength so much as ignorance, or selfishness. He's a very selfish person, constantly making grabs for more than he's owed. Always wanting for more. Always hurting the people around him because he can't be satisfied with just existing, because just existing is simply not enough.]
I don't want to stop.
[Not until there's no use left in him, and he can die knowing he achieved everything he could hope to achieve, being what he is.]
...You never regret it, do you? Leaving that room behind. I want to live like that for as long as I have left.
[After all, it's not dying young that frightens him. It's wasting away, full of regret, and leaving nothing worth remembering behind.]
[Jae-ha doesn't flinch away from the hands on his face - rather there's an automatic, instinctive way that he leans into Souji's touch without hesitation. There's warmth and gentleness there and he wants to drink in every single show of affection that he's offered.
At the question he laughs faintly - and he shakes his head ever so slightly. Not even enough to shake off Souji's hands, but rather just to accompany his explanation.]
They told me - they said there would be nothing for me in the outside world. People would be afraid, or they'd find me ugly, or I would never find a place to belong. That instead, I should stay where I was. Maybe one day there would be someone coming for me, a King that wanted to use my power, and then I could leave. But... I spent twelve years in there, and nothing ever changed.
Nothing ever made me stop wanting to run as far as I could - to have a life of my own, how I wanted it.
Everyone dies - and dragon die earlier than most - so why should I spend the time I have doing as other people say?
[Souji hums a little as Jae-ha explains, trying to take in the information and really understand it. There's already something in it that he can understand on an innate level, though, having been kept away from people due to his fearsome strength even as a small child. These hands that he'd hated so much had eventually become useful, and being able to cleave through enemies effortlessly wound up bringing him great happiness in the form of praise, of being wanted, of being a necessary piece to the backbone of the Shinsengumi.
Now, they're soft and careful, fingers curving down the sides of Jae-ha's face, following his jawline until they're close enough to touch the sides of his mouth. It's a meandering, aimless sort of gesture. Souji is always hungry for contact, and when he feels particularly lifeless, he seeks out the life in those bursting with it.
Funny, then, that Jae-ha is also running on a shorter clock than most.]
I'm glad that you left that place.
[Even if it feels like it was probably an inevitable thing. Jae-ha may not be fond of tales of fate or destiny, but it does seem to him like he was probably someone fated from the start to break free from anyone or anything that would try to confine him, pin him like a butterfly, tell him what he should make of the world.
He stares at Jae-ha's face in a way that's almost sharp, then, but there's something in his expression that seems admirous regardless.]
...Is it hard for you to imagine what it would be like to grow old?
[It's a response that Jae-ha breathes out softly in the space between them, even as he feels Souji's hands trace along the lines of his face. He remains still up until he seems to think about that, a small hum emanating from his throat as he reaches to wrap his own fingers around Souji's wrists to lightly hold them in place even as Jae-ha's head turns. It's a thoughtless, simple thing to kiss Souji's fingertips on one hand, like he'd taken their touch by the edge of his lips as a request.]
... It's never been something meant for me. I'd been told - dragons die very soon after a new one is born. They never make it to thirty years.
[He presses a kiss into the center of Souji's palm, careless of any callouses or roughness that might belong on a swordsman's hands.]
So I'd never thought that life would be for me. I was never given as much time as everyone else... so I've never given it any thought. Besides -
[His eyes flick to meet Souji's gaze properly even as he turns Souji's hand so that he can press a kiss over his pulse point on the inside of his wrist.]
Plenty of people die before they grow old - what's the difference as long as I make sure my years count for something?
[There's a second where he tenses reflexively, since warrior's instinct has him naturally bristling to be pinned in any way, even if his wrists are just being lightly held. But it's a tension that only lasts a second, and Souji lets Jae-ha kiss his fingers and hands and wrist with an almost docile acceptance that brightly contrasts with how sharp he is in battle.
It's nice, though. Being able to feel close to others like this is nice.]
So you don't have many left.
[Years, that is. There's something in his voice that might be a little melancholy, but he doesn't exactly sound mournful. Not even surprised, really. Maybe there's something to that notion he'd heard once - how people close to death can sense it on others.
Carefully, he extracts one hand from Jae-ha's hold, but only so he can grab that hand for himself. He guides it to his own face, so he can rest his fevered cheek against it, briefly closing his eyes.]
... that's hard to say. I'm surprised regularly - each day, I might find something more than I want to do.
[Something that he might not have time for.
He lets Souji take his hand easily at that, gently cupping Souji's cheek in return. His free hand moves to tuck Souji's hair behind his ear on the other side of his face, letting his fingers fall to trace the line of his jaw quietly.]
I think I could stand to want to sit here with you for a while longer... is one.
[He tilts his head. It's sweet words - and while he means them, he also knows that he's using them to fill the space as he finds the words for the rest of his answer. It's one thing to know them innately, but perhaps it's another to actually say them out loud.]
But as long as I pursue what I want to do, and live the way I want to, even if it's not always beautiful for others to watch by the end... that's the only type of life I want to live. Protecting the people that I want to protect, being at the side of the ones that I choose on my own, and pursuing anything else that I could want as passionately as I can.
[Isn't that the worst of it? That no matter how satisfied you are with the things you've done, there are always more things, grander things, better and bigger things - things that will remain unseen, untouched, untried, unheard. He's at peace with a short life, it's true. He has been since long before he first fell ill. But that doesn't stop his selfish heart from wanting more.
Souji lifts his chin a little as Jae-ha's fingers trace out his jaw, huffing out a laugh without a smile to match it.]
I think I understand what you mean... ["I can only do my best", maybe. Things are unpredictable in that awful and beautiful way life can sometimes be, but if you pursue what you believe to be right with the full amount of vigor that you can... That's all, isn't it? That's all.] Someone like you doesn't deserve to regret, so I hope you find satisfaction in the way that you live.
[Finally, he smiles, as if a belated reaction separated from his laugh by the threads of frankly morbid thought that his mind is occupied with. He turns his face a little, speaking half into Jae-ha's palm.]
I could never really picture myself living to an old age, either.
[Maybe he should keep pursuing what he wants as passionately as he can, too.]
[It's the way that Jae-ha exists - the constant restlessness, the pursuit of what he wants to do, so long as it doesn't hurt others. Breaking away from any shackles, any expectations that belong to other people, even if it means defying fate and prophecy itself. He'll go against his own blood if it means that his heart and mind can pursue what's beautiful.
Yet when Souji moves his face, Jae-ha pulls away only a fraction. Just enough to guide Souji's face back to his, only so that Jae-ha can move to close some of the space between them -
He'll let his forehead fall against Souji's as a smile blooms across his lips.]
I'd like to have as much time with you as I can selfishly take.
[That much he can admit to - because there are people that Jae-ha won't want to leave even if he got 1,000 years more than he currently has. And yet...]
But if there's something that drives you, that you'd sooner chase after until your legs don't work, that you'd rather pursue selfishly in the name of your own ideals than let pass by safely -
I'll be the last person to tell you that that's wrong.
[No regrets sounds like a beautiful way to live, so it's only fitting that Jae-ha live it to the fullest just like that, right?
Maybe he's a little envious.
There's a mildly inquisitive look as his face is guided straight again, and Jae-ha's forehead is probably a little cool compared to his own, considering his fever. But it's still nice. Solid. The words are sweet and kind and they make him smile, and he's bringing his hands up again, resting feather-light against the sides of Jae-ha's head.
Softly:]
I don't think it's what happens to me.
[He hasn't read the history books that he had brought along with him so many weeks ago. Hijikata had died just two days after he first found them, and the could never really rope up the courage he needed to check after that. But between what he knows about his own health and the things Yasusada had said, he can hazard a decent guess.]
But it's a nice dream to have. I'll make the most of what I have while I can, too.
[Even if that just means treasuring the things he's found and the people he loves right here, right now.]
[Jae-ha raises a brow at that - and his expression turns curious. Wondering. There's no hiding his surprise if only because - ] Who told you that...? Is it because of what that man said?
[The one in Souji's memory - the one who question what he'd be able to do with a body like that. Jae-ha thinks back on it and he contemplates. Souji had both his arms, he had both of his legs - he could have done plenty. Even in that hallway, he managed to do plenty. Making a difference for the people that you care about, even if you think they're small in the long run...]
I think I remember telling you once that I thought you possess the loyalty of dragons - but I never once thought that you'd be shackled to fate the same way that we are.
To be thinking so far ahead - as if something will happen to you, and you cannot escape it - maybe I'm telling you the wrong thing...
But I don't think someone as beautiful as you should pay attention to something as small and fickle as 'fate'. [He pulls one hand away from Souji's face, taking one of Souji's hands instead and bringing it over his own chest, with his heart beats steadily.] You and I are similar that way.
Each breath you take is already an act of defiance, and your heart obviously beats for something more than the time that you have.
If it's already like that, why put up the facade of bare minimum satisfaction?
[The first question is one that earns him a little laugh, and Souji shakes his head a little even though he doesn't bother moving it away from Jae-ha's.]
Yamazaki-san is a fine doctor. He only worries as a doctor would.
[Honestly Yamazaki deserves a gotdam award for putting up with him. In any case, it's not that that's unnerved him, and he feels he'll continue to defy Yamazaki's well-intentioned orders until he's physically incapable of continuing to do so.
As his hand is moved and he can feel Jae-ha's heartbeat beneath his fingertips, he feels a little more at peace, somehow. There are certainly moments he hates this castle and hates being here. But he'd meant it when he said he doesn't regret it. Not if it brings him to people like this, who say they understand and truly, truly do.]
...It's a kind thing to say. A nice one to hear, too. I will fight, you know? I'll fight for as long as I can.
[Because he is defiant, and he'll always push himself to and beyond his limits in search of more than what he has. Affection, love, time, health. His fingers curl a little into the fabric of Jae-ha's shirt. A beat of silence passes.]
...There are people here from the world I know, but much farther into the future, long after I've died. I suppose you could say I'm a piece of history to them.
[Along with everything written out; all their victories and losses, all their triumphs and defeats, all of the suffering whittled down to pages of print in a book. The notion of reading it is more terrifying to him than the thought he might die here, honestly. It's an answer to Jae-ha's first question, in any case; no one told him. Not exactly.]
[A piece of history.... Jae-ha thinks about that, his expression contemplative for a moment, thinking about what it would be like to live in a world where someone could tell him how the future played out. He could learn how everything turned out ten years down the line - with simply a word as to who the ruling family is. He could learn what kind of world fell into shape after he passed.
... and he will most certainly pass. That is the one unshakeable fact that he can't dissuade himself from. The end will come.
But even if he heard what kind of future awaits him - ]
Do you think that future is set in stone? Do you think that your choices don't matter, and since that what you've been told will happen, that's what's going to happen?
[It still sounds a bit like a prophecy, doesn't it?
Isn't that what Jae-ha's always spent his life living in spite of?]
Kissing is a no-go considering he doesn't want anyone to die, but hugging is still fine. Rather than answer the question directly at first, Souji just shakes his head and steps forward, moving his arms so he can fold Jae-ha into them and rest his forehead against his chest.
His feelings are conflicted, largely due to Yasusada and what he'd heard about his sword's mission - to protect history as it happened. Yasusada had been so proud, even with everything he'd been through, everything to come on Souji's side of time. Would it be selfish, wanting to change that distant future for his own sake? Wanting to potentially alter or even destroy the happiness of people he'd never met and never would, just because in some strange butterfly effect, his death made their future possible? Probably.
He's a selfish person, though. Rotten to the core - someone who would surely jump at the chance to rid his body of the illness destroying it, if only he could have more time by the sides of his precious people.]
All I know how to do is fight.
[It's not self-deprecative, though. It's a simple statement, muffled slightly though it is, and an answer to those questions.
He knows he'll continue to fight. He just also knows he can't win against an illness with no cure.]
[It's far too easy to hug Souji - and his arms wrap around the other securely, holding him close as he lets his chin fall atop Souji's head as if it was a practiced motion. It's an idle, simple action simply meant to take up space and time as he presses his lips to the top of Souji's head too as he listens, and waits.]
... good. I think you're at your best when you're fighting.
[Now that he's seen it - because Jae-ha understands. Those passionate ideals that drive you to someone, that drive you toward a family that you chose for yourself, where you carved out a place and made a home where you got to belong. He'd worked himself ragged for people before, and he would do it again without question.]
Whether it's against the time limits that people tell you have, or a future that's been decided for you - I hope that you keep fighting.
[It's a little sad to realize how much he misses being held like this, even if it's easy to relax into Jae-ha's arms like he's someone Souji has known for years. He sighs a little when he hears the comment about his fighting, too - a sound that's somewhere between satisfaction and exhaustion. He thinks the same. A sword is good in battle; that's where it will always shine the most brightly, and that's why he wants to stay where the fighting is.
Jae-ha knows exactly what it's like.
(The others get it too, in their own ways. They would just prefer that he do what he can to prolong his own life, even if there's not much to a life that's bedbound.)
After a few seconds pass, he leans back enough to peer up at Jae-ha's face and smiles.]
I'm glad to know someone who understands how important those things are. Thank you, Jae-ha.
Is that something you really need to thank me for...?
[He hums quietly at that, even as he's content to just hold Souji close to him. When Souji leans back to peer up at him - Jae-ha laughs and leans in to press a brief kiss to Souji's cheek. Perhaps a bit closer to his mouth than he really needs to be, but that sure is just Jae-ha playing with fire.]
I'll tell you again any time that you need to hear it - I think your way of life is beautiful.
In any case, Souji just laughs, light and bell-like, and pulls his arms away to reach for Jae-ha's face again. This is a handsy man. All he does this time is briefly run his thumbs over the ridge of his cheekbones though, and then take a step back.]
You've said all that I should be saying to you, you know? This castle can be awful, but at least it brought me you.
[Souji is welcome to reach for Jae-ha's face - because Jae-ha's arms are still going to be securely wrapping around Souji instead of moving in that moment. He likes keeping them close together - there's enough warmth in it, and the familiar motion of holding someone smaller to him isn't bad either.
He'll let go when Souji steps back and not a second sooner.]
You could make a dragon blush with words like that, you know.
But - I am glad that I've gotten the chance to meet you too. I'll treasure all the time we get together.
[UNO MORE DAY. Souji will end up taking it for granted since he just expects Jae-ha to stick around forever, unbeatable dragon with an intense love of life that he is!! What a fool.]
I will, too.
[But he still beams anyway and it's still a genuine statement. He does cherish his time here, even if he may overestimate the amount that others have.
Either way, though he'd honestly still prefer to be resting in Jae-ha's arms like the affection-hungry fool he is, he'll take another step back and hold a hand out.]
Shall we? I think I'd like something warm to drink after that.
[Nothing like a good ol' cup of tea to soothe your existential crises.]
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
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Of course I do.
[And his brow furrows because - ]
... they mean well, don't they? When they tell you to rest, when they keep you somewhere because they think that's what's right - [whether you're waiting for death or for a master that you never agreed to] - but that's still just what they want. They won't have to be the ones who have to live with being told to patiently wait, however long that is, for whatever is coming.
[He raises both of their hands up, just so that he can kiss the back of Souji's hands without hesitation.]
But if these hands have something else they want to do - if your legs have somewhere else that you want to go, if it means living on your own terms....
How can I ever tell you to stop?
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Souji turns his palms after Jae-ha kisses the back of his hands, carefully cradling his face instead. In sharp contrast to the crushing grip his fingers were capable of just seconds before, his touch is light here, like he's searching for something delicate with his fingertips, or like he's afraid of scaring away the warmth beneath his skin.
He's not strong. Not really. Matsumoto had said he was - had called him a man stronger than a doctor himself - but he wouldn't call what fuels him strength so much as ignorance, or selfishness. He's a very selfish person, constantly making grabs for more than he's owed. Always wanting for more. Always hurting the people around him because he can't be satisfied with just existing, because just existing is simply not enough.]
I don't want to stop.
[Not until there's no use left in him, and he can die knowing he achieved everything he could hope to achieve, being what he is.]
...You never regret it, do you? Leaving that room behind. I want to live like that for as long as I have left.
[After all, it's not dying young that frightens him. It's wasting away, full of regret, and leaving nothing worth remembering behind.]
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At the question he laughs faintly - and he shakes his head ever so slightly. Not even enough to shake off Souji's hands, but rather just to accompany his explanation.]
They told me - they said there would be nothing for me in the outside world. People would be afraid, or they'd find me ugly, or I would never find a place to belong. That instead, I should stay where I was. Maybe one day there would be someone coming for me, a King that wanted to use my power, and then I could leave. But... I spent twelve years in there, and nothing ever changed.
Nothing ever made me stop wanting to run as far as I could - to have a life of my own, how I wanted it.
Everyone dies - and dragon die earlier than most - so why should I spend the time I have doing as other people say?
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Now, they're soft and careful, fingers curving down the sides of Jae-ha's face, following his jawline until they're close enough to touch the sides of his mouth. It's a meandering, aimless sort of gesture. Souji is always hungry for contact, and when he feels particularly lifeless, he seeks out the life in those bursting with it.
Funny, then, that Jae-ha is also running on a shorter clock than most.]
I'm glad that you left that place.
[Even if it feels like it was probably an inevitable thing. Jae-ha may not be fond of tales of fate or destiny, but it does seem to him like he was probably someone fated from the start to break free from anyone or anything that would try to confine him, pin him like a butterfly, tell him what he should make of the world.
He stares at Jae-ha's face in a way that's almost sharp, then, but there's something in his expression that seems admirous regardless.]
...Is it hard for you to imagine what it would be like to grow old?
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[It's a response that Jae-ha breathes out softly in the space between them, even as he feels Souji's hands trace along the lines of his face. He remains still up until he seems to think about that, a small hum emanating from his throat as he reaches to wrap his own fingers around Souji's wrists to lightly hold them in place even as Jae-ha's head turns. It's a thoughtless, simple thing to kiss Souji's fingertips on one hand, like he'd taken their touch by the edge of his lips as a request.]
... It's never been something meant for me. I'd been told - dragons die very soon after a new one is born. They never make it to thirty years.
[He presses a kiss into the center of Souji's palm, careless of any callouses or roughness that might belong on a swordsman's hands.]
So I'd never thought that life would be for me. I was never given as much time as everyone else... so I've never given it any thought. Besides -
[His eyes flick to meet Souji's gaze properly even as he turns Souji's hand so that he can press a kiss over his pulse point on the inside of his wrist.]
Plenty of people die before they grow old - what's the difference as long as I make sure my years count for something?
no subject
It's nice, though. Being able to feel close to others like this is nice.]
So you don't have many left.
[Years, that is. There's something in his voice that might be a little melancholy, but he doesn't exactly sound mournful. Not even surprised, really. Maybe there's something to that notion he'd heard once - how people close to death can sense it on others.
Carefully, he extracts one hand from Jae-ha's hold, but only so he can grab that hand for himself. He guides it to his own face, so he can rest his fevered cheek against it, briefly closing his eyes.]
Do you think you'll die with no regrets, then?
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[Something that he might not have time for.
He lets Souji take his hand easily at that, gently cupping Souji's cheek in return. His free hand moves to tuck Souji's hair behind his ear on the other side of his face, letting his fingers fall to trace the line of his jaw quietly.]
I think I could stand to want to sit here with you for a while longer... is one.
[He tilts his head. It's sweet words - and while he means them, he also knows that he's using them to fill the space as he finds the words for the rest of his answer. It's one thing to know them innately, but perhaps it's another to actually say them out loud.]
But as long as I pursue what I want to do, and live the way I want to, even if it's not always beautiful for others to watch by the end... that's the only type of life I want to live. Protecting the people that I want to protect, being at the side of the ones that I choose on my own, and pursuing anything else that I could want as passionately as I can.
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Souji lifts his chin a little as Jae-ha's fingers trace out his jaw, huffing out a laugh without a smile to match it.]
I think I understand what you mean... ["I can only do my best", maybe. Things are unpredictable in that awful and beautiful way life can sometimes be, but if you pursue what you believe to be right with the full amount of vigor that you can... That's all, isn't it? That's all.] Someone like you doesn't deserve to regret, so I hope you find satisfaction in the way that you live.
[Finally, he smiles, as if a belated reaction separated from his laugh by the threads of frankly morbid thought that his mind is occupied with. He turns his face a little, speaking half into Jae-ha's palm.]
I could never really picture myself living to an old age, either.
[Maybe he should keep pursuing what he wants as passionately as he can, too.]
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[It's the way that Jae-ha exists - the constant restlessness, the pursuit of what he wants to do, so long as it doesn't hurt others. Breaking away from any shackles, any expectations that belong to other people, even if it means defying fate and prophecy itself. He'll go against his own blood if it means that his heart and mind can pursue what's beautiful.
Yet when Souji moves his face, Jae-ha pulls away only a fraction. Just enough to guide Souji's face back to his, only so that Jae-ha can move to close some of the space between them -
He'll let his forehead fall against Souji's as a smile blooms across his lips.]
I'd like to have as much time with you as I can selfishly take.
[That much he can admit to - because there are people that Jae-ha won't want to leave even if he got 1,000 years more than he currently has. And yet...]
But if there's something that drives you, that you'd sooner chase after until your legs don't work, that you'd rather pursue selfishly in the name of your own ideals than let pass by safely -
I'll be the last person to tell you that that's wrong.
no subject
Maybe he's a little envious.
There's a mildly inquisitive look as his face is guided straight again, and Jae-ha's forehead is probably a little cool compared to his own, considering his fever. But it's still nice. Solid. The words are sweet and kind and they make him smile, and he's bringing his hands up again, resting feather-light against the sides of Jae-ha's head.
Softly:]
I don't think it's what happens to me.
[He hasn't read the history books that he had brought along with him so many weeks ago. Hijikata had died just two days after he first found them, and the could never really rope up the courage he needed to check after that. But between what he knows about his own health and the things Yasusada had said, he can hazard a decent guess.]
But it's a nice dream to have. I'll make the most of what I have while I can, too.
[Even if that just means treasuring the things he's found and the people he loves right here, right now.]
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[Jae-ha raises a brow at that - and his expression turns curious. Wondering. There's no hiding his surprise if only because - ] Who told you that...? Is it because of what that man said?
[The one in Souji's memory - the one who question what he'd be able to do with a body like that. Jae-ha thinks back on it and he contemplates. Souji had both his arms, he had both of his legs - he could have done plenty. Even in that hallway, he managed to do plenty. Making a difference for the people that you care about, even if you think they're small in the long run...]
I think I remember telling you once that I thought you possess the loyalty of dragons - but I never once thought that you'd be shackled to fate the same way that we are.
To be thinking so far ahead - as if something will happen to you, and you cannot escape it - maybe I'm telling you the wrong thing...
But I don't think someone as beautiful as you should pay attention to something as small and fickle as 'fate'. [He pulls one hand away from Souji's face, taking one of Souji's hands instead and bringing it over his own chest, with his heart beats steadily.] You and I are similar that way.
Each breath you take is already an act of defiance, and your heart obviously beats for something more than the time that you have.
If it's already like that, why put up the facade of bare minimum satisfaction?
no subject
Yamazaki-san is a fine doctor. He only worries as a doctor would.
[Honestly Yamazaki deserves a gotdam award for putting up with him. In any case, it's not that that's unnerved him, and he feels he'll continue to defy Yamazaki's well-intentioned orders until he's physically incapable of continuing to do so.
As his hand is moved and he can feel Jae-ha's heartbeat beneath his fingertips, he feels a little more at peace, somehow. There are certainly moments he hates this castle and hates being here. But he'd meant it when he said he doesn't regret it. Not if it brings him to people like this, who say they understand and truly, truly do.]
...It's a kind thing to say. A nice one to hear, too. I will fight, you know? I'll fight for as long as I can.
[Because he is defiant, and he'll always push himself to and beyond his limits in search of more than what he has. Affection, love, time, health. His fingers curl a little into the fabric of Jae-ha's shirt. A beat of silence passes.]
...There are people here from the world I know, but much farther into the future, long after I've died. I suppose you could say I'm a piece of history to them.
[Along with everything written out; all their victories and losses, all their triumphs and defeats, all of the suffering whittled down to pages of print in a book. The notion of reading it is more terrifying to him than the thought he might die here, honestly. It's an answer to Jae-ha's first question, in any case; no one told him. Not exactly.]
no subject
... and he will most certainly pass. That is the one unshakeable fact that he can't dissuade himself from. The end will come.
But even if he heard what kind of future awaits him - ]
Do you think that future is set in stone? Do you think that your choices don't matter, and since that what you've been told will happen, that's what's going to happen?
[It still sounds a bit like a prophecy, doesn't it?
Isn't that what Jae-ha's always spent his life living in spite of?]
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Kissing is a no-go considering he doesn't want anyone to die, but hugging is still fine. Rather than answer the question directly at first, Souji just shakes his head and steps forward, moving his arms so he can fold Jae-ha into them and rest his forehead against his chest.
His feelings are conflicted, largely due to Yasusada and what he'd heard about his sword's mission - to protect history as it happened. Yasusada had been so proud, even with everything he'd been through, everything to come on Souji's side of time. Would it be selfish, wanting to change that distant future for his own sake? Wanting to potentially alter or even destroy the happiness of people he'd never met and never would, just because in some strange butterfly effect, his death made their future possible? Probably.
He's a selfish person, though. Rotten to the core - someone who would surely jump at the chance to rid his body of the illness destroying it, if only he could have more time by the sides of his precious people.]
All I know how to do is fight.
[It's not self-deprecative, though. It's a simple statement, muffled slightly though it is, and an answer to those questions.
He knows he'll continue to fight. He just also knows he can't win against an illness with no cure.]
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... good. I think you're at your best when you're fighting.
[Now that he's seen it - because Jae-ha understands. Those passionate ideals that drive you to someone, that drive you toward a family that you chose for yourself, where you carved out a place and made a home where you got to belong. He'd worked himself ragged for people before, and he would do it again without question.]
Whether it's against the time limits that people tell you have, or a future that's been decided for you - I hope that you keep fighting.
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Jae-ha knows exactly what it's like.
(The others get it too, in their own ways. They would just prefer that he do what he can to prolong his own life, even if there's not much to a life that's bedbound.)
After a few seconds pass, he leans back enough to peer up at Jae-ha's face and smiles.]
I'm glad to know someone who understands how important those things are. Thank you, Jae-ha.
[He will absolutely keep fighting.]
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[He hums quietly at that, even as he's content to just hold Souji close to him. When Souji leans back to peer up at him - Jae-ha laughs and leans in to press a brief kiss to Souji's cheek. Perhaps a bit closer to his mouth than he really needs to be, but that sure is just Jae-ha playing with fire.]
I'll tell you again any time that you need to hear it - I think your way of life is beautiful.
Thank you for sharing it with me.
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In any case, Souji just laughs, light and bell-like, and pulls his arms away to reach for Jae-ha's face again. This is a handsy man. All he does this time is briefly run his thumbs over the ridge of his cheekbones though, and then take a step back.]
You've said all that I should be saying to you, you know? This castle can be awful, but at least it brought me you.
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He'll let go when Souji steps back and not a second sooner.]
You could make a dragon blush with words like that, you know.
But - I am glad that I've gotten the chance to meet you too. I'll treasure all the time we get together.
[so all the ones so far and then uno more day]
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I will, too.
[But he still beams anyway and it's still a genuine statement. He does cherish his time here, even if he may overestimate the amount that others have.
Either way, though he'd honestly still prefer to be resting in Jae-ha's arms like the affection-hungry fool he is, he'll take another step back and hold a hand out.]
Shall we? I think I'd like something warm to drink after that.
[Nothing like a good ol' cup of tea to soothe your existential crises.]