[That entire trial left a bad taste in Sousei's mouth. To go all of that way, only to receive a confession that was clearly tailored to be experienced from the beginning... what a waste of time.
What a waste of a life.
Natsuo deserved better, and all Sousei can feel in this very moment is bitter.
He looks over at Jae-ha, though, and sees that expression on his face, and feels an odd flash of concern.]
... No, certainly not. I do not find someone else being willing to throw away their own life as selfless at all.
It is those left behind who have to pick up the pieces and carry on. There is only more hardship being placed upon the shoulders of those who remain.
But in the end, less people die if his plan works.
[Jae-ha knows that. He knows it in his heart, it's simple math.]
If Cardia can really tie Sandalphon's Ion and Natsuo - should he be revived - together, then that means the only casualty this week is Sandalphon himself. He chose who he was going to murder because Natsuo didn't have a partner. It was for the sake of removing himself from the game, so we could have a week that wasn't quite as bloody.
[ . . . . His hand curls into a fist, his knuckles turning white.]
.... did you know that he thought of himself as a pawn? For years - hundreds, maybe thousands of them - he thought he didn't have a purpose.
And this is the conclusion he chose.
[He wonders if that's not his story to tell - but it spills out anyway.]
If you fancied yourself some sort of savior for him, after having met him a scant few weeks ago, when he had already decided what his life would be here. Could his mind have been changed?
... Perhaps. But to fancy yourself solely at fault for this when not a single person here was able to get through to him is rather arrogant.
[Not a single one of them was able to save him, or change his mind, or be there for him.]
... I'm a rather arrogant person - or so I've been told.
[He's been told a lot of things.
He's been told that many people in this castle like him, that he's a good listener, that he's someone admirable, respectable - and he's not sure what to do with any of it. He's not familiar with people looking to him in a way that they want guidance.
Arrogant, and with a heart that is far too caring.
[That's his assessment of this entire situation; he meets Jae-ha's eyes firmly, arms crossed.]
Perhaps if the situation were different, he could have been saved. But a man who wishes to die in a game that is killing children...
[...]
Perhaps this truly was the kindest choice he thought he could have made, considering the circumstances. [Sousei doesn't think so; he thinks it was a dick move. But... Sousei still has hope.]
[The math checks out. One death instead of two. His partner gets to live on and so does Natsuo. It only removes him.
Just him.
Jae-ha looks away.]
It feels childish - we know that this game is about killing, and losing people, and that's why it has to be stopped - but... for some reason it's impossible to forgive him for not wanting to live.
[For accepting a fate that was given to him, for never believing that he could be worth more, for... not even giving himself a chance.]
Rather than fight on, rather than struggle to live, he gave up. He gave in to the hardships life had given him, and decided that simply ceasing to exist was easier.
... Taking the easy way out does not make him honorable, regardless of the math.
... but I can't think badly of him either. Even if I understand how other people might...
[He sighs and flicks his hair over his shoulder irritably. He moves, if only to give his energy somewhere to go, even if it just brings him to the window again, his gaze focused outside. It bothers him.]
If I tell him that what he did was wrong.... there's no need to tell him that even at the end, he could've done better.
[So instead he's left just venting.
Though he laughs faintly at the end, without much joy in it.]
[ . . . The look he spares Sousei next is tired, a bit withering.]
Do you ever, not seriously and mostly temporarily, regret how much we've come to know about each other?
[Because unfortunately, Sousei managed to hit the nail on the head rather easily about what's really bothering Jae-ha, without him having to explain it.
It's comforting - it's nice to not have to speak the words out loud himself - just as much as it throws him off.]
... I don't like saying that my way of life is any better than others.
But I really think he could've found more, if he only tried.
You and I both are evidence that it is possible. He could have found more, if he had tried. He could have found better. But he saw no other options, and so he took what was available to him.
[A beat, and he sighs.]
For what it is worth, not a single person here should treat him as some sort of savior. He still put Natsuo through the experience of dying, whether he came back or not. He is pitiable, but not good.
He could have been so much more and Jae-ha is stuck on that opportunity, mad at the people who took it away from Sandalphon in the first place, who convinced him that it had to be this way. Even though he understands it's only an explanation, and there's not enough to excuse his actions. He pulls himself away from the window quietly and retreats to the bed, sitting before he just collapses on it, pressing the heels of his hands against his closed eyelids.]
... I'm glad that some people are at least telling him that he got to do something right, even if I disagree.
[Sandalphon deserves kindness - that much is what Jae-ha thinks is true.]
Jae-ha sighs after another moment, because he can't think of another response to that. What's done is done. It's out of his hands now, and there's no reasonable, safe way to stop the execution without putting Sousei in unnecessary danger. And more than that....
If he did, it would cheapen Sandalphon's choice.
So instead he just tries to compose himself again, opening his eyes and blinking as he peers up to find Sousei.
And automatically reaches a hand out to him.]
... are you still really that allergic to being near me?
[Sousei legitimately sucks and just like...did not even consider it.
Which is why he's left blinking owlishly at Jae-ha and that extended hand, before he coughs into a hand and... looks away.
But. Only briefly. And then he clears his throat and:]
... No, that is not it. I was simply--
[He doesn't understand physical affection don't look at him that way. Rather than try to finish that thought, he aborts it in favor of...walking over to the bed and sitting next to Jae-ha. He doesn't take that hand either, though. Too much of a gesture, he sucks.]
Jae-ha laughs at that. It mingles with the tiredness, the exhaustion of his own emotion, but it is a laugh. He sits up when Sousei joins him, and he moves to lean in... closer to him. Their faces don't need to be this close, but they are.
[He doesn't mind the hand pressing to his face, though he will catch Sousei's wrist again just to keep him from shoving him further away. His lips might brush against his palm a bit more purposefully and.
His expression turns contemplative as he tilts his head and faces Sousei again.]
[Eeurgh. It's an odd feeling, Jae-ha brushing his lips against his palm, and Sousei wavers in indecision between shoving him away further or tugging his hand away and ends up just leaving it, meeting Jae-ha's face with an outraged look because:]
Who would want to bite you?
[Wh...why is that your issue here, Sousei.
Hold on, the rest is catching up, and...
Ultimately, he does tug his hand away, so he can cross his arms and arch an eyebrow at Jae-ha and:]
Now you are asking for permission? It is rather belated. [that's... not a "no". Does he want it to be a "no"? He's really not sure, actually (which he supposes should be answer enough; he's always, always known when something was "no" before.)]
Jae-ha pauses at that, considering. The initial thought had been something to pass the time - to get his mind off of everything that he can't control, so he could instead refocus on what was directly right in front of him, what was in reach. Though at the scolding, he raises a brow and finds his interest caught. Whole-heartedly snagged.]
... would you prefer that I take what I want?
[Even if it's only fun if it's something Sousei wants to - but Jae-ha is rather sure that Sousei make it incredibly clear if there was something he was against.
And so, lacking that, he'll reach out with a hand to catch Sousei's chin as he tilts his head to claim a proper kiss. His previous peck had been on the corner of Sousei's mouth, something that he snuck in on a whim. Now he kisses with the intent of almost irritating Sousei further, looking to find exactly what it is that could get underneath his skin and rile him up.
Maybe it's for that reason that Jae-ha will be the one to bite now instead, a nip at Sousei's lips.
Since someone said he doesn't have to ask for permission.]
[... Well then. He really should've expected that Jae-ha would take that inch he gave him and go a mile with it. He's not even surprised, not exactly, when Jae-ha leans in properly. He doesn't pull away, taking the moment to see exactly where Jae-ha's going with this--
And pretty much immediately figuring out when Jae-ha is just trying to irritate him.
His brows draw together as well as Jae-ha proceeds to be the worst, but Sousei's a rebel without a cause in all things he does, and that includes this. He has no intentions of retreating--and so instead, he slides his fingers to the back of Jae-ha's head, holding him in place as he almost scoldingly deepens that kiss, in part so Jae-ha can't bite anymore, but also because he's just too contrary to leave it alone, either.
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What a waste of a life.
Natsuo deserved better, and all Sousei can feel in this very moment is bitter.
He looks over at Jae-ha, though, and sees that expression on his face, and feels an odd flash of concern.]
... No, certainly not. I do not find someone else being willing to throw away their own life as selfless at all.
It is those left behind who have to pick up the pieces and carry on. There is only more hardship being placed upon the shoulders of those who remain.
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[Jae-ha knows that. He knows it in his heart, it's simple math.]
If Cardia can really tie Sandalphon's Ion and Natsuo - should he be revived - together, then that means the only casualty this week is Sandalphon himself. He chose who he was going to murder because Natsuo didn't have a partner. It was for the sake of removing himself from the game, so we could have a week that wasn't quite as bloody.
[ . . . . His hand curls into a fist, his knuckles turning white.]
.... did you know that he thought of himself as a pawn? For years - hundreds, maybe thousands of them - he thought he didn't have a purpose.
And this is the conclusion he chose.
[He wonders if that's not his story to tell - but it spills out anyway.]
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[Sousei says that much simply, arms crossed, meeting Jae-ha's eyes firmly.]
For believing that that was his only purpose. For never having been rescued--not by anyone who could have put him on a better path.
[For not having a Gi-gan or a Taiko Kumou of his own to drag him from that life, and give him a better one to hold onto.]
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Which might be the problem.]
So what - I was too late?
[ - and there it is, the curling anger.
Though it's at least more directed inward than out.]
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[Well, he's not going to deny it.]
If you fancied yourself some sort of savior for him, after having met him a scant few weeks ago, when he had already decided what his life would be here. Could his mind have been changed?
... Perhaps. But to fancy yourself solely at fault for this when not a single person here was able to get through to him is rather arrogant.
[Not a single one of them was able to save him, or change his mind, or be there for him.]
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[He's been told a lot of things.
He's been told that many people in this castle like him, that he's a good listener, that he's someone admirable, respectable - and he's not sure what to do with any of it. He's not familiar with people looking to him in a way that they want guidance.
But he'd failed here.
It stings.]
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[That's his assessment of this entire situation; he meets Jae-ha's eyes firmly, arms crossed.]
Perhaps if the situation were different, he could have been saved. But a man who wishes to die in a game that is killing children...
[...]
Perhaps this truly was the kindest choice he thought he could have made, considering the circumstances. [Sousei doesn't think so; he thinks it was a dick move. But... Sousei still has hope.]
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[The math checks out. One death instead of two. His partner gets to live on and so does Natsuo. It only removes him.
Just him.
Jae-ha looks away.]
It feels childish - we know that this game is about killing, and losing people, and that's why it has to be stopped - but... for some reason it's impossible to forgive him for not wanting to live.
[For accepting a fate that was given to him, for never believing that he could be worth more, for... not even giving himself a chance.]
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[Sousei says that simply, shaking his head.]
Rather than fight on, rather than struggle to live, he gave up. He gave in to the hardships life had given him, and decided that simply ceasing to exist was easier.
... Taking the easy way out does not make him honorable, regardless of the math.
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[He sighs and flicks his hair over his shoulder irritably. He moves, if only to give his energy somewhere to go, even if it just brings him to the window again, his gaze focused outside. It bothers him.]
If I tell him that what he did was wrong.... there's no need to tell him that even at the end, he could've done better.
[So instead he's left just venting.
Though he laughs faintly at the end, without much joy in it.]
I can't believe they're getting to me already.
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[That this of all things would bother Jae-ha, and finally get to him?]
When you and I both know that we both could have very easily been the same as him?
[If they hadn't been saved--if they hadn't escaped, if they hadn't been rescued...]
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Do you ever, not seriously and mostly temporarily, regret how much we've come to know about each other?
[Because unfortunately, Sousei managed to hit the nail on the head rather easily about what's really bothering Jae-ha, without him having to explain it.
It's comforting - it's nice to not have to speak the words out loud himself - just as much as it throws him off.]
... I don't like saying that my way of life is any better than others.
But I really think he could've found more, if he only tried.
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It's ineffective against foe Sousei!]
You and I both are evidence that it is possible. He could have found more, if he had tried. He could have found better. But he saw no other options, and so he took what was available to him.
[A beat, and he sighs.]
For what it is worth, not a single person here should treat him as some sort of savior. He still put Natsuo through the experience of dying, whether he came back or not. He is pitiable, but not good.
[Sousei is not quite so forgiving.]
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He could have been so much more and Jae-ha is stuck on that opportunity, mad at the people who took it away from Sandalphon in the first place, who convinced him that it had to be this way. Even though he understands it's only an explanation, and there's not enough to excuse his actions. He pulls himself away from the window quietly and retreats to the bed, sitting before he just collapses on it, pressing the heels of his hands against his closed eyelids.]
... I'm glad that some people are at least telling him that he got to do something right, even if I disagree.
[Sandalphon deserves kindness - that much is what Jae-ha thinks is true.]
It really... is quite exhausting.
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That will always be the most tragic part of all. The lost potential. And the knowledge...that Sandalphon could have been so much more.
Sousei nods quietly, stepping over to lean against the wall next to the bed.]
What's done is done. It is exhausting... but he has made his choice, and if nothing else, many of the people here are kind.
[So at least...Sandalphon got that sort of send off.]
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Jae-ha sighs after another moment, because he can't think of another response to that. What's done is done. It's out of his hands now, and there's no reasonable, safe way to stop the execution without putting Sousei in unnecessary danger. And more than that....
If he did, it would cheapen Sandalphon's choice.
So instead he just tries to compose himself again, opening his eyes and blinking as he peers up to find Sousei.
And automatically reaches a hand out to him.]
... are you still really that allergic to being near me?
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[Sousei legitimately sucks and just like...did not even consider it.
Which is why he's left blinking owlishly at Jae-ha and that extended hand, before he coughs into a hand and... looks away.
But. Only briefly. And then he clears his throat and:]
... No, that is not it. I was simply--
[He doesn't understand physical affection don't look at him that way. Rather than try to finish that thought, he aborts it in favor of...walking over to the bed and sitting next to Jae-ha. He doesn't take that hand either, though. Too much of a gesture, he sucks.]
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Jae-ha laughs at that. It mingles with the tiredness, the exhaustion of his own emotion, but it is a laugh. He sits up when Sousei joins him, and he moves to lean in... closer to him. Their faces don't need to be this close, but they are.
And Jae-ha hums, a curious note.]
Simply...?
I'm listening.
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I am not completing that thought. I am sitting here now, are you happy?
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I am.
[He doesn't mind the hand pressing to his face, though he will catch Sousei's wrist again just to keep him from shoving him further away. His lips might brush against his palm a bit more purposefully and.
His expression turns contemplative as he tilts his head and faces Sousei again.]
.... I figure it can't hurt to ask.
Would you bite if I kissed you again?
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Who would want to bite you?
[Wh...why is that your issue here, Sousei.
Hold on, the rest is catching up, and...
Ultimately, he does tug his hand away, so he can cross his arms and arch an eyebrow at Jae-ha and:]
Now you are asking for permission? It is rather belated. [that's... not a "no". Does he want it to be a "no"? He's really not sure, actually (which he supposes should be answer enough; he's always, always known when something was "no" before.)]
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Jae-ha pauses at that, considering. The initial thought had been something to pass the time - to get his mind off of everything that he can't control, so he could instead refocus on what was directly right in front of him, what was in reach. Though at the scolding, he raises a brow and finds his interest caught. Whole-heartedly snagged.]
... would you prefer that I take what I want?
[Even if it's only fun if it's something Sousei wants to - but Jae-ha is rather sure that Sousei make it incredibly clear if there was something he was against.
And so, lacking that, he'll reach out with a hand to catch Sousei's chin as he tilts his head to claim a proper kiss. His previous peck had been on the corner of Sousei's mouth, something that he snuck in on a whim. Now he kisses with the intent of almost irritating Sousei further, looking to find exactly what it is that could get underneath his skin and rile him up.
Maybe it's for that reason that Jae-ha will be the one to bite now instead, a nip at Sousei's lips.
Since someone said he doesn't have to ask for permission.]
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And pretty much immediately figuring out when Jae-ha is just trying to irritate him.
His brows draw together as well as Jae-ha proceeds to be the worst, but Sousei's a rebel without a cause in all things he does, and that includes this. He has no intentions of retreating--and so instead, he slides his fingers to the back of Jae-ha's head, holding him in place as he almost scoldingly deepens that kiss, in part so Jae-ha can't bite anymore, but also because he's just too contrary to leave it alone, either.
So like.
This is the worst thing immediately.]
[1/3]
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[what the fuck?]
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