[Probably unsurprisingly, Souji just shakes his head.]
Sorry. I'm not very hungry.
[TO SAY THE LEAST. He's just going to go from now until trial without eating probably, life is hard when grief just makes you want to lie on the floor for hours on end...
It'd feel wrong anyway, honestly. Being able to enjoy a warm meal or someone else's cooking when Hijikata can't.]
[THAT'S A NEGATIVE but Jae-ha can get some gold stars for trying...
In any case, he lapses into a pretty lengthy bout of silence after that, not saying anything or reaching for the tea or even moving much at all. His stare seems fixed somewhere else, and is still like that when he eventually does speak again. His voice is soft, like Hijikata is just sleeping and speaking too loudly may wake him.]
Do you know what they called Hijikata-san, back home? A demon.
Regardless Jae-ha watches, quietly, and he makes no motion to move, as if he's alright with keeping Souji company for as long as it takes before he wants to move. When Souji speaks again, Jae-ha tilts his head.]
[Souji's looking down at his hands now, flexing his fingers a little. Someone had told him once - screamed at him through the window, clawing and clutching at his arm as it dangled out - filthy hands! You killed such a wonderful person with these filthy hands!
Funny, how useless they are when it really matters.]
Hijikata-san did what needed to be done, even if they were the kind of things that other people found unsavory. He did what was necessary for us, to make sure that we stayed strong as a group. His rules were very strict... Those who broke the code were to commit suicide. [That code is what really propelled that nickname forward, after all.] But it's because of him that our city was safe.
[He was definitely A Lot, but Souji only speaks with the utmost respect.]
... Captain Gi-gan wouldn't let just anyone join the pirates. They'd have to prove themselves, their strength, and their willpower. Even a young girl with the best of intentions was sent to undergo a test that could've meant her death, because the Captain wanted to make sure that she wouldn't be the type to run away and be a liability if the battle became difficult.
People would call her strict - but there was always a purpose behind it.
[ . . . ]
Those people - are really capable of seeing further than I think I'll ever be able to.
[It's unfair, isn't it? He thinks it but doesn't say it aloud, how unfair it is that those people are the ones who die. Hijikata should be sitting here now instead of him. He doesn't have the skill set necessary to serve anyone well in this castle, but Hijikata did, and Gi-gan likely did, and they're the ones who are gone.]
Mm.
[A quiet "me, too".]
The people like that are the most important ones. [...] I didn't really understand everything that he did, but all I had to do was listen and trust him to lead me well.
[Hijikata may find fault in himself, but Souji had never found fault in him. Even this one, familiar as he had been strange and new, was very much the same.]
[ . . . . it's quiet then, when Jae-ha takes a moment to choose his next words. He reaches out, just to place one of his hand over Souji's. Souji can pull away if he wants, if the motion isn't welcome, but considering that Jae-ha doesn't want to risk surprising him with a hug...]
Mm.
That's... a familiar feeling too. [Given exactly what Gi-gan used to do, compared to Jae-ha.] ... do you feel just as lost as I did?
[even if the feelings are hard to directly compare
jae-ha thinks souji of all people would get the gist]
[Souji doesn't move from the hand over his own, though he doesn't really seem to register or otherwise react to it either. His fingers are thin; even the back of his hand is a little cool to the touch, as usual.
Feelings are hard to directly compare, it's true, but-- He does get the gist. He understands. He feels lost, like Jae-ha surely did. Does.
It's not the kind of feeling that will go away, is it?]
...Devil's child. [His own unaffectionate nickname, bestowed upon him by people who look at him with abject fear and loathing when he passes by on patrol.] I am the sword of the Shinsengumi and the child of a demon.
[So he doesn't know how to be on his own, honestly. He doesn't understand what it is to wield himself, or why he's even here if he's as he is now - without purpose or meaning. He is certainly very lost.]
... less now. But - I made the decision to leave my Captain before. This... was less of a decision, but rather it was something decided for me and for that... it's harder to forgive.
But whether you're the child of a demon, or I'm a cursed troublesome dragon, we're both still here.
[Listless, lost, and looking for direction.
Jae-ha's fingers curl around Souji's hand. His is warm in comparison, but he doesn't flinch away.]
... I don't expect you to stand any time soon. It'd be cruel if I did. You can take as much time as you need.
[On another day, maybe he'd laugh and make a bad joke about the two of them being cursed, in the same way he makes bad jokes about his ailing health to those who know of it. He still can't even find it in himself to smile, though.
At least Jae-ha's hand is warm. That's a nice difference from Hijikata's hand, for once even colder than his own.]
I wonder why that is.
[Why they're both still here, the child of a demon and a cursed troublesome dragon, while both of their commanders have been put into their graves.
...Jae-ha, at least, has the makings of someone who can lead. As far as Souji is concerned, he's the only one of the two of them without purpose, even if they're both lost. He keeps those words tucked under his tongue, glancing back toward Hijikata's corpse. Something seems to catch in his chest on the next breath in. There's a stuttering cough, but he seems more focused on Jae-ha's words.
Don't give up here...]
I can't. As long as there are still things that I can do for him, giving up isn't an option.
[ . . . right. Jae-ha nods quietly at that, because he knows that he can't offer much else. Words are only words, and nothing will bring back the dead. For the moment, nothing will be able to really fill that empty space in Souji's heart. Maybe nothing ever will.
His other hand coming up to his heart, he thinks - he understands that feeling too.
And he nods.]
... I won't give up either. Until we can figure out where we both belong.
[Until they can be proud of what they've done, and hope that their commanders are proud of them too.]
[Those words are more than he has any right to hear, but he won't reject them, either. It's part of his selfish nature, to take and take in such an ugly way.
It's another anchor, though. One he needs. Maybe it's one Jae-ha needs, too - at least until they can both find the things they need to carry on properly without a commander's guidance.]
...Thank you.
[Said so silently that Jae-ha might not even hear it, and he says nothing beyond that. He'll likely stay relatively silent up until Jae-ha decides it's time to leave, and will continue his vigil by Hijikata's side until his body disappears hours later.]
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... is there anything you'd particularly like to eat? I can help make it. I've been learning.
[He was already a good cook but now he has access to recipe books and Sanji.
But.
He's admittedly just looking to fill the silence.]
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Sorry. I'm not very hungry.
[TO SAY THE LEAST. He's just going to go from now until trial without eating probably, life is hard when grief just makes you want to lie on the floor for hours on end...
It'd feel wrong anyway, honestly. Being able to enjoy a warm meal or someone else's cooking when Hijikata can't.]
no subject
[It's about what he expected. He didn't eat after he found Gi-gan's body either.
. . . ]
Maybe tomorrow's breakfast then.
[But he's still not going to give up.]
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[THAT'S A NEGATIVE but Jae-ha can get some gold stars for trying...
In any case, he lapses into a pretty lengthy bout of silence after that, not saying anything or reaching for the tea or even moving much at all. His stare seems fixed somewhere else, and is still like that when he eventually does speak again. His voice is soft, like Hijikata is just sleeping and speaking too loudly may wake him.]
Do you know what they called Hijikata-san, back home? A demon.
no subject
Regardless Jae-ha watches, quietly, and he makes no motion to move, as if he's alright with keeping Souji company for as long as it takes before he wants to move. When Souji speaks again, Jae-ha tilts his head.]
... for his ferocity?
[Not likely for an actual ugly soul.
Souji wouldn't associate with someone like that.]
no subject
Funny, how useless they are when it really matters.]
Hijikata-san did what needed to be done, even if they were the kind of things that other people found unsavory. He did what was necessary for us, to make sure that we stayed strong as a group. His rules were very strict... Those who broke the code were to commit suicide. [That code is what really propelled that nickname forward, after all.] But it's because of him that our city was safe.
[He was definitely A Lot, but Souji only speaks with the utmost respect.]
no subject
... Captain Gi-gan wouldn't let just anyone join the pirates. They'd have to prove themselves, their strength, and their willpower. Even a young girl with the best of intentions was sent to undergo a test that could've meant her death, because the Captain wanted to make sure that she wouldn't be the type to run away and be a liability if the battle became difficult.
People would call her strict - but there was always a purpose behind it.
[ . . . ]
Those people - are really capable of seeing further than I think I'll ever be able to.
no subject
Mm.
[A quiet "me, too".]
The people like that are the most important ones. [...] I didn't really understand everything that he did, but all I had to do was listen and trust him to lead me well.
[Hijikata may find fault in himself, but Souji had never found fault in him. Even this one, familiar as he had been strange and new, was very much the same.]
no subject
Mm.
That's... a familiar feeling too. [Given exactly what Gi-gan used to do, compared to Jae-ha.] ... do you feel just as lost as I did?
[even if the feelings are hard to directly compare
jae-ha thinks souji of all people would get the gist]
no subject
Feelings are hard to directly compare, it's true, but-- He does get the gist. He understands. He feels lost, like Jae-ha surely did. Does.
It's not the kind of feeling that will go away, is it?]
...Devil's child. [His own unaffectionate nickname, bestowed upon him by people who look at him with abject fear and loathing when he passes by on patrol.] I am the sword of the Shinsengumi and the child of a demon.
[So he doesn't know how to be on his own, honestly. He doesn't understand what it is to wield himself, or why he's even here if he's as he is now - without purpose or meaning. He is certainly very lost.]
Do you still feel lost, Jae-ha?
no subject
... less now. But - I made the decision to leave my Captain before. This... was less of a decision, but rather it was something decided for me and for that... it's harder to forgive.
But whether you're the child of a demon, or I'm a cursed troublesome dragon, we're both still here.
[Listless, lost, and looking for direction.
Jae-ha's fingers curl around Souji's hand. His is warm in comparison, but he doesn't flinch away.]
... I don't expect you to stand any time soon. It'd be cruel if I did. You can take as much time as you need.
... but please, don't give up here.
no subject
At least Jae-ha's hand is warm. That's a nice difference from Hijikata's hand, for once even colder than his own.]
I wonder why that is.
[Why they're both still here, the child of a demon and a cursed troublesome dragon, while both of their commanders have been put into their graves.
...Jae-ha, at least, has the makings of someone who can lead. As far as Souji is concerned, he's the only one of the two of them without purpose, even if they're both lost. He keeps those words tucked under his tongue, glancing back toward Hijikata's corpse. Something seems to catch in his chest on the next breath in. There's a stuttering cough, but he seems more focused on Jae-ha's words.
Don't give up here...]
I can't. As long as there are still things that I can do for him, giving up isn't an option.
[It's just difficult.
It always is.]
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His other hand coming up to his heart, he thinks - he understands that feeling too.
And he nods.]
... I won't give up either. Until we can figure out where we both belong.
[Until they can be proud of what they've done, and hope that their commanders are proud of them too.]
... I'll be with you, every step as we go.
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It's another anchor, though. One he needs. Maybe it's one Jae-ha needs, too - at least until they can both find the things they need to carry on properly without a commander's guidance.]
...Thank you.
[Said so silently that Jae-ha might not even hear it, and he says nothing beyond that. He'll likely stay relatively silent up until Jae-ha decides it's time to leave, and will continue his vigil by Hijikata's side until his body disappears hours later.]