[Souji doesn't move from the hand over his own, though he doesn't really seem to register or otherwise react to it either. His fingers are thin; even the back of his hand is a little cool to the touch, as usual.
Feelings are hard to directly compare, it's true, but-- He does get the gist. He understands. He feels lost, like Jae-ha surely did. Does.
It's not the kind of feeling that will go away, is it?]
...Devil's child. [His own unaffectionate nickname, bestowed upon him by people who look at him with abject fear and loathing when he passes by on patrol.] I am the sword of the Shinsengumi and the child of a demon.
[So he doesn't know how to be on his own, honestly. He doesn't understand what it is to wield himself, or why he's even here if he's as he is now - without purpose or meaning. He is certainly very lost.]
... less now. But - I made the decision to leave my Captain before. This... was less of a decision, but rather it was something decided for me and for that... it's harder to forgive.
But whether you're the child of a demon, or I'm a cursed troublesome dragon, we're both still here.
[Listless, lost, and looking for direction.
Jae-ha's fingers curl around Souji's hand. His is warm in comparison, but he doesn't flinch away.]
... I don't expect you to stand any time soon. It'd be cruel if I did. You can take as much time as you need.
[On another day, maybe he'd laugh and make a bad joke about the two of them being cursed, in the same way he makes bad jokes about his ailing health to those who know of it. He still can't even find it in himself to smile, though.
At least Jae-ha's hand is warm. That's a nice difference from Hijikata's hand, for once even colder than his own.]
I wonder why that is.
[Why they're both still here, the child of a demon and a cursed troublesome dragon, while both of their commanders have been put into their graves.
...Jae-ha, at least, has the makings of someone who can lead. As far as Souji is concerned, he's the only one of the two of them without purpose, even if they're both lost. He keeps those words tucked under his tongue, glancing back toward Hijikata's corpse. Something seems to catch in his chest on the next breath in. There's a stuttering cough, but he seems more focused on Jae-ha's words.
Don't give up here...]
I can't. As long as there are still things that I can do for him, giving up isn't an option.
[ . . . right. Jae-ha nods quietly at that, because he knows that he can't offer much else. Words are only words, and nothing will bring back the dead. For the moment, nothing will be able to really fill that empty space in Souji's heart. Maybe nothing ever will.
His other hand coming up to his heart, he thinks - he understands that feeling too.
And he nods.]
... I won't give up either. Until we can figure out where we both belong.
[Until they can be proud of what they've done, and hope that their commanders are proud of them too.]
[Those words are more than he has any right to hear, but he won't reject them, either. It's part of his selfish nature, to take and take in such an ugly way.
It's another anchor, though. One he needs. Maybe it's one Jae-ha needs, too - at least until they can both find the things they need to carry on properly without a commander's guidance.]
...Thank you.
[Said so silently that Jae-ha might not even hear it, and he says nothing beyond that. He'll likely stay relatively silent up until Jae-ha decides it's time to leave, and will continue his vigil by Hijikata's side until his body disappears hours later.]
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Feelings are hard to directly compare, it's true, but-- He does get the gist. He understands. He feels lost, like Jae-ha surely did. Does.
It's not the kind of feeling that will go away, is it?]
...Devil's child. [His own unaffectionate nickname, bestowed upon him by people who look at him with abject fear and loathing when he passes by on patrol.] I am the sword of the Shinsengumi and the child of a demon.
[So he doesn't know how to be on his own, honestly. He doesn't understand what it is to wield himself, or why he's even here if he's as he is now - without purpose or meaning. He is certainly very lost.]
Do you still feel lost, Jae-ha?
no subject
... less now. But - I made the decision to leave my Captain before. This... was less of a decision, but rather it was something decided for me and for that... it's harder to forgive.
But whether you're the child of a demon, or I'm a cursed troublesome dragon, we're both still here.
[Listless, lost, and looking for direction.
Jae-ha's fingers curl around Souji's hand. His is warm in comparison, but he doesn't flinch away.]
... I don't expect you to stand any time soon. It'd be cruel if I did. You can take as much time as you need.
... but please, don't give up here.
no subject
At least Jae-ha's hand is warm. That's a nice difference from Hijikata's hand, for once even colder than his own.]
I wonder why that is.
[Why they're both still here, the child of a demon and a cursed troublesome dragon, while both of their commanders have been put into their graves.
...Jae-ha, at least, has the makings of someone who can lead. As far as Souji is concerned, he's the only one of the two of them without purpose, even if they're both lost. He keeps those words tucked under his tongue, glancing back toward Hijikata's corpse. Something seems to catch in his chest on the next breath in. There's a stuttering cough, but he seems more focused on Jae-ha's words.
Don't give up here...]
I can't. As long as there are still things that I can do for him, giving up isn't an option.
[It's just difficult.
It always is.]
no subject
His other hand coming up to his heart, he thinks - he understands that feeling too.
And he nods.]
... I won't give up either. Until we can figure out where we both belong.
[Until they can be proud of what they've done, and hope that their commanders are proud of them too.]
... I'll be with you, every step as we go.
no subject
It's another anchor, though. One he needs. Maybe it's one Jae-ha needs, too - at least until they can both find the things they need to carry on properly without a commander's guidance.]
...Thank you.
[Said so silently that Jae-ha might not even hear it, and he says nothing beyond that. He'll likely stay relatively silent up until Jae-ha decides it's time to leave, and will continue his vigil by Hijikata's side until his body disappears hours later.]