The Captain wouldn't have had any need to lead a band of pirates if not for the unhappy accident of someone less than trash trying to take ahold of an otherwise peaceful port town.
That doesn't pull away anymore from the fact that I'm rather sure she was meant to lead.
[But Sousei can't help but think that Tenka, who was always capable of drawing people to him, who was so passionate about his dreams and his underlings, was the one who was meant to lead.
Sousei... Sousei is something in between, someone who ended up leading because he had to, and perhaps, somehow, grew into the role a little.]
I won't deny that your captain had the aura of one who was to be listened to.
She'd tell you this too - and maybe it'd get through your thick skull quicker, if she has the aura of being listened to - but you're really bad at seeing yourself.
[But he won't linger on that, doesn't think he has the emotional capacity for it at the moment.]
[He's rather focus on Gi-gan anyway--because that's how it should be. She's the one who is gone, and she is the one who must be remembered in the here and now.]
...Yes. It is.
[A beat, and he adds, softly:]
Even in a week's time, she made an impact on many people here.
She saw a place where she was needed - and so she went to answer.
[ . . . . and how is he supposed to explain to those pirates exactly where it was that Gi-gan had gone? He falters then, struggling with the memory, direct as it is.]
... I'll endure this space without her.
It's what she would have wanted - she'd call me an idiot for letting this slow me down.
Perhaps she would say that. I can certainly imagine it.
However, I find it very difficult to believe that someone as understanding of people as her would not understand that grief is a necessary part of the human process.
[Sousei lifts his chin, fixing his eyes on Jae-ha firmly.]
There is nothing wrong with grieving. There is nothing wrong with taking the time you have to remember her in the way that suits you best.
[There's nothing wrong with emotions.]
I know you will endure. But... you do not have to pretend as though you have set aside those feelings, as well.
It is a kindness just as much as it is a cruelty. They're not polite company, is it? Ah, so it's not only that they have interest in each other, but rather the fact that they might even be friends. It's about time that Sousei got to acknowledge that.
But.
It does open that door for emotional vulnerability that Jae-ha normally keeps so firmly sealed. Bu Sousei is not someone he has to protect, not someone he has to be strong for.]
Is that so...
[He might - just be trying to buy time, when a joke can't quite fill up the space for him.]
[The word will not pass his lips, but yeah, he's practically acknowledging it. But he just watches Jae-ha think that over, watches him try to buy that time, and finally settles on breathing out a soft sigh, and:]
... I don't intend to repeat this. But.
I already respect you.
[He says that simply, and with surprising amounts of steadiness considering he's allergic to feelings.]
Your grief will not change my opinion on that or on you.
It doesn't feel right - to still have sadness leftover after something like that. Are you sure you won't say it again? I feel like I need to have a response that'll properly make you regret it.
[At least he's honest.
. . . Though his expression turns somber at that. He doesn't quite look at Sousei again - and he doesn't cry. He's never been the type of person to cry. Not during times of great sadness, not during times of great hopelessness, not during times of great joy. It's like that part, that level of fragility is locked up tight.
So he doesn't cry.
But he does pull up a leg to where their sitting so he can rest his forehead on it as he exhales. It's a quiet way to process grief, but it's like the slow, slow uncoiling of something that was bundled tight inside of him. His eyes shut and he repeats that one truth to himself.
Captain Gi-gan is gone.
And he could do nothing to stop it.
His fingers curl into fists and he breathes.
Just - breathes.
Like he's remembering how to, after a long time of holding his breath.]
[... Ha. He won't say it again; he already said as much, and he meant it.
But.
He's quiet.
Quiet, and patient as Jae-ha processes his grief in his own way. It's not really fair that they only have so much time before they walk to their deaths tomorrow--but that makes it all the more important that Jae-ha processes what he needs to right here and now while he has the time.
Quietly, Sousei waits, head tilted back against the wall, his eyes focused on the ceiling.
It's enough, maybe. For right now... maybe this is enough.
And maybe he respects Jae-ha all the more for being able to handle all of this as it comes, in a situation such as this, after losing someone so important--maybe he respects Jae-ha even more for being able to tap into that quiet expression of that grief here and now, when it's so very important to.]
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[SO BOLD]
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... When the situation calls for it. I am perfectly capable of settling down and following orders, for the record.
[He's really not.]
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[He's assuming but he's also so confident about it.]
It's not like I don't relate.
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[Oh.]
If I do not like them, they are not orders worth being followed.
[Arrogant little shit.]
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This is why I say you should give up the act and just admit that you're meant to lead, you know.
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...I was never meant to lead. It was an unhappy accident that I was ever handed any position of power, you know.
[So it's not necessarily an act.]
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The Captain wouldn't have had any need to lead a band of pirates if not for the unhappy accident of someone less than trash trying to take ahold of an otherwise peaceful port town.
That doesn't pull away anymore from the fact that I'm rather sure she was meant to lead.
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I suppose there is that.
[But Sousei can't help but think that Tenka, who was always capable of drawing people to him, who was so passionate about his dreams and his underlings, was the one who was meant to lead.
Sousei... Sousei is something in between, someone who ended up leading because he had to, and perhaps, somehow, grew into the role a little.]
I won't deny that your captain had the aura of one who was to be listened to.
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She'd tell you this too - and maybe it'd get through your thick skull quicker, if she has the aura of being listened to - but you're really bad at seeing yourself.
[But he won't linger on that, doesn't think he has the emotional capacity for it at the moment.]
... the castle is already emptier without her.
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...Yes. It is.
[A beat, and he adds, softly:]
Even in a week's time, she made an impact on many people here.
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... that's the Captain.
[it's just - hard, to start using past tense. So he's avoiding it.]
It's how she's always been.
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[Quite frankly...that sounds like something only she could do.]
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[ . . . . and how is he supposed to explain to those pirates exactly where it was that Gi-gan had gone? He falters then, struggling with the memory, direct as it is.]
... I'll endure this space without her.
It's what she would have wanted - she'd call me an idiot for letting this slow me down.
[But.
Emotions aren't quite that simple, are they?]
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However, I find it very difficult to believe that someone as understanding of people as her would not understand that grief is a necessary part of the human process.
[Sousei lifts his chin, fixing his eyes on Jae-ha firmly.]
There is nothing wrong with grieving. There is nothing wrong with taking the time you have to remember her in the way that suits you best.
[There's nothing wrong with emotions.]
I know you will endure. But... you do not have to pretend as though you have set aside those feelings, as well.
[Not right now.]
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Though Sousei's words manage to pull a tight smile onto his lips.]
... do you think that the spectacle I made earlier wasn't enough? I found it rather ugly, you know.
[Such a raw display of emotion, kicking, yelling, demanding things from someone who couldn't give them to him anymore.
... he exhales.]
Grief comes, and feeling it is important... but it hardly seems like the thing to do in polite company.
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[He'll acknowledge that much! Sousei would hate to break down in front of strangers and people he is trying to be strong in front of, as well.
But, that all said--]
But you are not in polite company right now. [WELL.
I GUESS HE DOESN'T CONSIDER HIMSELF THAT it's fine.]
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It is a kindness just as much as it is a cruelty. They're not polite company, is it? Ah, so it's not only that they have interest in each other, but rather the fact that they might even be friends. It's about time that Sousei got to acknowledge that.
But.
It does open that door for emotional vulnerability that Jae-ha normally keeps so firmly sealed. Bu Sousei is not someone he has to protect, not someone he has to be strong for.]
Is that so...
[He might - just be trying to buy time, when a joke can't quite fill up the space for him.]
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... I don't intend to repeat this. But.
I already respect you.
[He says that simply, and with surprising amounts of steadiness considering he's allergic to feelings.]
Your grief will not change my opinion on that or on you.
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It doesn't feel right - to still have sadness leftover after something like that. Are you sure you won't say it again? I feel like I need to have a response that'll properly make you regret it.
[At least he's honest.
. . . Though his expression turns somber at that. He doesn't quite look at Sousei again - and he doesn't cry. He's never been the type of person to cry. Not during times of great sadness, not during times of great hopelessness, not during times of great joy. It's like that part, that level of fragility is locked up tight.
So he doesn't cry.
But he does pull up a leg to where their sitting so he can rest his forehead on it as he exhales. It's a quiet way to process grief, but it's like the slow, slow uncoiling of something that was bundled tight inside of him. His eyes shut and he repeats that one truth to himself.
Captain Gi-gan is gone.
And he could do nothing to stop it.
His fingers curl into fists and he breathes.
Just - breathes.
Like he's remembering how to, after a long time of holding his breath.]
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But.
He's quiet.
Quiet, and patient as Jae-ha processes his grief in his own way. It's not really fair that they only have so much time before they walk to their deaths tomorrow--but that makes it all the more important that Jae-ha processes what he needs to right here and now while he has the time.
Quietly, Sousei waits, head tilted back against the wall, his eyes focused on the ceiling.
It's enough, maybe. For right now... maybe this is enough.
And maybe he respects Jae-ha all the more for being able to handle all of this as it comes, in a situation such as this, after losing someone so important--maybe he respects Jae-ha even more for being able to tap into that quiet expression of that grief here and now, when it's so very important to.]