[It smells delicious, and Eichi can't deny that his stomach growls a little at it, but Ann's face won't leave his mind. Her struggling, the way her life dissolved beneath his hand. He could feel her trying to breathe.]
...
[It's a quiet breath, and he sets the glasses aside, as well, near the stew.]
It feels strange. I can't say that my hands are clean, but this is the first time I've actually killed someone, and all I can feel is a sort of emptiness. My thoughts are selfish.
[He curls his hands into loose fists in his lap.] Death is... nothing, after all. It's nothing to me. I'm surrounded by it, and so it's never mattered. I could laugh at murder mysteries and enjoy them, but this is... different.
It almost felt like a relief, to feel her life disappear, when I thought that it wasn't Akechi-kun who was forced into this. I don't want to be drawn into this way of thinking.
As much as they like to throw around the words good, evil, stories, and tales - this isn't something as far away as something that you can indulge in in a book. It's real, and something that rattles you.
[ . . . he reaches out to place his hand over one of Eichii's fists, if only to get his attention.]
You can't be penalized for wanting to live, for wanting your partner to live. Even for all your games, you care about him genuinely, don't you?
[it's what happens when you canoodle in public :/ ]
There is no easy answer - aside from 'none of this should have happened to begin with' - but are your emotions really as simple as 'it's good that she died so that he could live?'
...They're anything but simple. But aren't these all excuses? Even these murders, each week... Aren't they just the same? Acts of self defense, following instructions, working towards promises or in defense of threats. I imagine it's something like that.
And so... how is it that I'm pitied and given such sympathy, while Akechi-kun is now looked at as a clear target?
Excuses are only given reasons that people deem to not be good enough, and I wonder if you're looking at yourself with a harsher standard than most.
No one here deserves to face this reality when they aren't familiar with it already - none of you come from wars, from battlefields - but people have killed for far smaller reasons than the ones that have been considered as possibilities here.
[It's hardly fair - but Jae-ha doesn't believe that an intense self-condemnation will help much of anything at the moment. As for Eichi's other question - ]
... do you believe Akechi made a choice?
[Jae-ha won't let his own personal feelings muddle his question, not when he's so focused on Eichi and trying to work through the convoluted maze of emotion he must be feeling.]
What a difficult question. [He sighs, and it's heavier than usual, an attempt at breathing normally just as much as everything else.]
I believe that every action is a choice, but that choices can be forced. Shoved into a game like this, someone has to kill, and if they refuse, won't it be their blood? Something like that is all I can think.
[BLUNTLY.] The idea of choice, is it... I intend to speak to him once he wakes up, but I can't blame anyone who kills in this place. Not in this situation.
Selfishly, I'm also worried that I'll end up alone, or hated.
... everyone in this place is rather painfully kind. I don't know if that will happen. There are people here who, even with the way that he didn't do himself many favors, still feel compassion for your partner after all.
It's hard to know without testing their patience but - I can't help but think that you won't be disappointed, if you seek comfort from others.
[To which part of that, he doesn't clarify, but it leaves him thoughtful all the same. He's got a sheepish smile on, barely, like it might be less concerning, and he's thinking thinking thinking.]
I'd prefer not to be a burden, but I'd like to reach out, if I can. I'm torn between caution and care. Are there people that you trust here?
It may sound foolish, given the way I was so easily blinded the first week but.... I believe that not trusting anyone will only make my experience here that much harder.
It's no hard feelings, but trust is an awfully strong word in a game like this.
[And it's not as though Jae-ha will actually do anything to the people that Eichi trusts but - well, he's not the type to give information about himself without getting at least a little bit in return.
He's a trustworthy person, isn't he? You can't use that name back, since I'd like to learn about people who are trustworthy, but I'd like to hear someone you trust now.
[Of course he does.] Ah... Sousei-kun is a good choice. It's good that you can trust your partner, isn't it? For the record, I also trust him, I believe, though I'll have to choose a different name by my own rules.
So... Natsuo-kun. ♪
[This is helping him a lot more than dwelling on thoughts from actual murder, so he finally moves to take that stew. He doesn't want it to go to waste... He still feels like he might be sick if he tries, but if he goes slow, it's important to get food in him, right?]
But it's good that he's eating - Jae-ha doesn't draw attention on it, instead agreeing to Eichi's game. As Eichi eats, he might notice that there are some faint flavors that taste a little bit like Sanji's cooking, though not quite as skilled. Jae-ha's been watching him quietly over the past few nights.]
I suppose it's hard to distrust someone that loud and reckless.
[lmao]
The lovely Miss Cardia also - she's quite sincere.
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...
[It's a quiet breath, and he sets the glasses aside, as well, near the stew.]
It feels strange. I can't say that my hands are clean, but this is the first time I've actually killed someone, and all I can feel is a sort of emptiness. My thoughts are selfish.
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His gaze flicks back to Eichi.]
... and do you think it's such a terrible thing to be selfish at the moment?
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[He curls his hands into loose fists in his lap.] Death is... nothing, after all. It's nothing to me. I'm surrounded by it, and so it's never mattered. I could laugh at murder mysteries and enjoy them, but this is... different.
It almost felt like a relief, to feel her life disappear, when I thought that it wasn't Akechi-kun who was forced into this. I don't want to be drawn into this way of thinking.
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As much as they like to throw around the words good, evil, stories, and tales - this isn't something as far away as something that you can indulge in in a book. It's real, and something that rattles you.
[ . . . he reaches out to place his hand over one of Eichii's fists, if only to get his attention.]
You can't be penalized for wanting to live, for wanting your partner to live. Even for all your games, you care about him genuinely, don't you?
[it's what happens when you canoodle in public :/ ]
There is no easy answer - aside from 'none of this should have happened to begin with' - but are your emotions really as simple as 'it's good that she died so that he could live?'
[For some reason, Jae-ha doubts that.]
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And so... how is it that I'm pitied and given such sympathy, while Akechi-kun is now looked at as a clear target?
[He feels bad!!!]
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No one here deserves to face this reality when they aren't familiar with it already - none of you come from wars, from battlefields - but people have killed for far smaller reasons than the ones that have been considered as possibilities here.
[It's hardly fair - but Jae-ha doesn't believe that an intense self-condemnation will help much of anything at the moment. As for Eichi's other question - ]
... do you believe Akechi made a choice?
[Jae-ha won't let his own personal feelings muddle his question, not when he's so focused on Eichi and trying to work through the convoluted maze of emotion he must be feeling.]
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I believe that every action is a choice, but that choices can be forced. Shoved into a game like this, someone has to kill, and if they refuse, won't it be their blood? Something like that is all I can think.
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It's the nature of battle.
[Kill or be killed - and it fits the theme of a war, as all things currently stand.]
... and afterward? Everything else he was accused of - [calling Ann a liar, planting evidence, what have you] - what do you make of that?
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Isn't that just a desperate child trying to fight to stay alive?
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[ . . . that said.]
I don't disagree. I think it might not have been a very beautiful thing to do - but desperation is very rarely lovely.
But I believe the idea of choice is why people remain more outwardly concerned about you, than him.
[Even if Jae-ha is worried over both, Eichi is a bit... easier to approach, for the time being.]
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[BLUNTLY.] The idea of choice, is it... I intend to speak to him once he wakes up, but I can't blame anyone who kills in this place. Not in this situation.
Selfishly, I'm also worried that I'll end up alone, or hated.
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It's hard to know without testing their patience but - I can't help but think that you won't be disappointed, if you seek comfort from others.
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[To which part of that, he doesn't clarify, but it leaves him thoughtful all the same. He's got a sheepish smile on, barely, like it might be less concerning, and he's thinking thinking thinking.]
I'd prefer not to be a burden, but I'd like to reach out, if I can. I'm torn between caution and care. Are there people that you trust here?
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[There's a slight laugh.]
It may sound foolish, given the way I was so easily blinded the first week but.... I believe that not trusting anyone will only make my experience here that much harder.
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Let's trade. A name for a name. The same conditions.
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[It's fair, though, he's digging to know who trusts who. Ah, well...]
Then, shall I go first to put you at ease? Sanji-kun is someone I trust dearly.
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[And it's not as though Jae-ha will actually do anything to the people that Eichi trusts but - well, he's not the type to give information about himself without getting at least a little bit in return.
That said.
The actual name makes him laugh.]
Oh, that doesn't surprise me at all.
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[GIVE IT OVER]
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[JEEZE.]
Then for me, it's Sousei.
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[Of course he does.] Ah... Sousei-kun is a good choice. It's good that you can trust your partner, isn't it? For the record, I also trust him, I believe, though I'll have to choose a different name by my own rules.
So... Natsuo-kun. ♪
[This is helping him a lot more than dwelling on thoughts from actual murder, so he finally moves to take that stew. He doesn't want it to go to waste... He still feels like he might be sick if he tries, but if he goes slow, it's important to get food in him, right?]
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But it's good that he's eating - Jae-ha doesn't draw attention on it, instead agreeing to Eichi's game. As Eichi eats, he might notice that there are some faint flavors that taste a little bit like Sanji's cooking, though not quite as skilled. Jae-ha's been watching him quietly over the past few nights.]
I suppose it's hard to distrust someone that loud and reckless.
[lmao]
The lovely Miss Cardia also - she's quite sincere.
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That's it exactly. ♪ [Loud and reckless, easy to read! It's easy to trust.] Ah... Cardia-chan does seem sweet.
[He pauses now, having another spoon of stew before he just stirs it around, thinking. Trust is hard to just hand out, you know...?]
I feel as though I'm getting to a point where I'll lose this game. [It's not a competition?] I also trust you.
[1/2]
Unexpected.]
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A good choice.
But now I'm curious -
Why?
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