I do. Some people's souls are so ugly that I'd rather see them in the dirt than walking amongst the rest of us.
[That much he'll say without question. He's seen all manner of cruelty in his life, suffered under it too. There are some people on the planet that he can't bring himself to forgive.
But - ]
I don't think that's the case with you. Even though you'd like me to, for some reason.
[ every conversation is the same; Zelos has no qualms with making excuses till the end of tme, usually.
But there is a part of him, small as it may be (small only because he stomps that part out of existence the moment it dares to speak) that fears that eventually Jae-ha will grow tired of such excuses and no longer seek him out.
He misses being afraid of things that didn’t have faces to them. ]
I ever tell you about the people I was traveling with before I got here?
[ he knows he didn’t ]
There were a few of them but the ones I was closest to— let’s see.. there was Sheena. Gorgeous, but naggy as hell and kind of an idiot sometimes. But she was always there when you needed her and always painfully honest. Then of course, my darling Colette— cute as a button and considerate to the point of just being depressing.
[ his tone is light though there’s something a little sad in his eyes. His hands wring the blanksheet of paper. ]
Lloyd, he was the biggest moron I’d ever met in my entire life. Loud, obnoxious, always running into bad situations without thinking twice just to help someone out. And he believed in all of his friends unconditionally. Oh, all of them except me of course.
[ Zelos reaches for the bottle again, sipping from it slowly like its juice and not alcohol ]
And I mean, good on him— because I stabbed them all in the back for my own gain. May or may not have gotten them killed, who knows, really!
[He knows that Zelos is trying to make him hate him.
He can't place why - the reasoning behind it, when there's already so much tension in the castle, and it makes more sense to have allies than enemies. Jae-ha's need to interact with people is sincere, the way that he wants to experience everything in the world that was outside of the cell that he knew for twelve years.
... it's a good try.
It's in Jae-ha's veins to want to help others through everything. Captain Gi-gan held a test to make sure that no one in the crew would betray someone, that they wouldn't be so weak that they'd give in. Being strong in spirit was just as important as being strong in body. Betraying people who had faith in you - he can't wrap his head around it.
So he's quiet.
And then he presses, like he can imagine Zelos wants him to press:]
Some days the reasons don't make sense to him, other days he sees it all with crystal clarity. In the end none of it really matters, because what's done is done and he is long dead (and maybe, so are the same people who he'd asked to lead him to his end) ]
Because he didn't trust me.. because I didn't really matter to him in the end.
[ He wonders if that's the sort of answer Jae-ha expects. Even now, he's not sure what his perception of Zelos really is. ]
Truth be told, it was just an easy way out— the disappointment, don't think I'd ever felt anything like that before. Every moment I was awake after that.. I felt like I was gonna' puke up every organ in my body.
... do you think he would've been disappointed if you didn't matter to him?
[Maybe he's not meant to ask questions here, but he means to, because he asks questions about things that don't make sense to him. That make him want to further pursue answers.
Because when there are things he doesn't understand... he wonders if there's something warped in the telling of the story.]
[ It's not a question he wants to answer— Jae-ha pries the wound open with his bare hands and reminds Zelos that blood still pulses beneath the surface of his skin (that he is alive, even though he's made the choice not to be).
But he knows at this juncture it's too late to run or deflect. Jae-ha has him trapped. There is a small part of him that hates him for that, and the only thing that surprises Zelos is that that part isn't bigger than it is. ]
Who knows, maybe I did matter, maybe I didn't. But at the end of the day I didn't matter to him the way he mattered to me. He didn't trust me the way I trusted him.
Jae-ha listens, and he thinks about his words. He thinks about a girl that he's chosen to follow, who he knows would give his life up for him if she had to, because she cares that much. He thinks about how he wouldn't want her to, because she has to be devoted to be something so much bigger than him.
But he thinks about that nagging feeling, under his skin, when she doesn't look at him the same way she looks at other people.
The way that he wants her to notice him.
The way he notices her.]
... I'm sorry that you had to go through that - and that you felt like you didn't have any other choice.
[ . . . ] Don't mistake what I'm saying for agreement, or that I think you did the right thing -
... but I guess the burn's a little too familiar for me to think you're evil for it.
[ It's said with a smile, and oddly enough it carries just as much mirth as it does self-pitying sadness. He picks up the empty piece of paper in his lap, waving it with feigned enthusiasm. ]
Don't even know if these owls can carry letters that far, but I've been thinking about what to say to him anyway. For a guy that never shuts up though.. well, the words just don't come no matter how hard I try. After all, what do you say after asking the only person who's ever made you feel alive to kill you?
[ because he has no intention of being awoken from his grave once again when this is over. he’d made a choice, and even if it was in an attempt to run from the consequences of his cowardice, it was still his choice. ]
Though if I’m being honest, I was dead even before that. My body just finally matched the rest of me.
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
no subject
[That much he'll say without question. He's seen all manner of cruelty in his life, suffered under it too. There are some people on the planet that he can't bring himself to forgive.
But - ]
I don't think that's the case with you. Even though you'd like me to, for some reason.
no subject
But there is a part of him, small as it may be (small only because he stomps that part out of existence the moment it dares to speak) that fears that eventually Jae-ha will grow tired of such excuses and no longer seek him out.
He misses being afraid of things that didn’t have faces to them. ]
I ever tell you about the people I was traveling with before I got here?
[ he knows he didn’t ]
There were a few of them but the ones I was closest to— let’s see.. there was Sheena. Gorgeous, but naggy as hell and kind of an idiot sometimes. But she was always there when you needed her and always painfully honest. Then of course, my darling Colette— cute as a button and considerate to the point of just being depressing.
[ his tone is light though there’s something a little sad in his eyes. His hands wring the blanksheet of paper. ]
Lloyd, he was the biggest moron I’d ever met in my entire life. Loud, obnoxious, always running into bad situations without thinking twice just to help someone out. And he believed in all of his friends unconditionally. Oh, all of them except me of course.
[ Zelos reaches for the bottle again, sipping from it slowly like its juice and not alcohol ]
And I mean, good on him— because I stabbed them all in the back for my own gain. May or may not have gotten them killed, who knows, really!
no subject
He can't place why - the reasoning behind it, when there's already so much tension in the castle, and it makes more sense to have allies than enemies. Jae-ha's need to interact with people is sincere, the way that he wants to experience everything in the world that was outside of the cell that he knew for twelve years.
... it's a good try.
It's in Jae-ha's veins to want to help others through everything. Captain Gi-gan held a test to make sure that no one in the crew would betray someone, that they wouldn't be so weak that they'd give in. Being strong in spirit was just as important as being strong in body. Betraying people who had faith in you - he can't wrap his head around it.
So he's quiet.
And then he presses, like he can imagine Zelos wants him to press:]
... why did you do it?
no subject
Some days the reasons don't make sense to him, other days he sees it all with crystal clarity. In the end none of it really matters, because what's done is done and he is long dead (and maybe, so are the same people who he'd asked to lead him to his end) ]
Because he didn't trust me.. because I didn't really matter to him in the end.
[ He wonders if that's the sort of answer Jae-ha expects. Even now, he's not sure what his perception of Zelos really is. ]
Truth be told, it was just an easy way out— the disappointment, don't think I'd ever felt anything like that before. Every moment I was awake after that.. I felt like I was gonna' puke up every organ in my body.
no subject
[Maybe he's not meant to ask questions here, but he means to, because he asks questions about things that don't make sense to him. That make him want to further pursue answers.
Because when there are things he doesn't understand... he wonders if there's something warped in the telling of the story.]
no subject
But he knows at this juncture it's too late to run or deflect. Jae-ha has him trapped. There is a small part of him that hates him for that, and the only thing that surprises Zelos is that that part isn't bigger than it is. ]
Who knows, maybe I did matter, maybe I didn't. But at the end of the day I didn't matter to him the way he mattered to me. He didn't trust me the way I trusted him.
no subject
Jae-ha listens, and he thinks about his words. He thinks about a girl that he's chosen to follow, who he knows would give his life up for him if she had to, because she cares that much. He thinks about how he wouldn't want her to, because she has to be devoted to be something so much bigger than him.
But he thinks about that nagging feeling, under his skin, when she doesn't look at him the same way she looks at other people.
The way that he wants her to notice him.
The way he notices her.]
... I'm sorry that you had to go through that - and that you felt like you didn't have any other choice.
[ . . . ] Don't mistake what I'm saying for agreement, or that I think you did the right thing -
... but I guess the burn's a little too familiar for me to think you're evil for it.
no subject
[ It's said with a smile, and oddly enough it carries just as much mirth as it does self-pitying sadness. He picks up the empty piece of paper in his lap, waving it with feigned enthusiasm. ]
Don't even know if these owls can carry letters that far, but I've been thinking about what to say to him anyway. For a guy that never shuts up though.. well, the words just don't come no matter how hard I try. After all, what do you say after asking the only person who's ever made you feel alive to kill you?
no subject
Jae-ha's response takes a long second, expression unreadable aside from the slight raise of his brows.]
Is that the end of that story?
[He wonders if he should be surprised.]
no subject
[ because he has no intention of being awoken from his grave once again when this is over. he’d made a choice, and even if it was in an attempt to run from the consequences of his cowardice, it was still his choice. ]
Though if I’m being honest, I was dead even before that. My body just finally matched the rest of me.