alttitude | week 0, sunday

[Sandalphon doesn't return the expression. Is it so good to survive another day, only to perhaps die the next?]

You seemed so ready to face your death yesterday.

Not really - I planned on running from it as long as I could. Giving up isn't really like me.

[Waves a hand...]

But I'm more familiar with expiration dates than most here, I suppose. So if it was going to be anyone, it was fine if it was me.

Even though we're all likely to perish?

Have you given up so early?

I'd already given up before I arrived at this castle. And we're hardly the first players in this farce.

[ . . .

And Jae-ha pauses then, stops what he's doing to give Sandalphon the entirety of his attention:]

Why?

Why have you given up?

[That's awkward. Please turn away.]

What use does a sacrificial pawn possess, once discarded? I was to face judgment for my crimes. If not there, then why not here?

[Although . . . the inclusion of partners has seriously thrown a wrench in his tentative plans.]

[Nope.]

Who told you that you were a pawn?

You were a thief, weren't you? What were your reasons?

[Ugh.]

It was a rampage. I had no reason other than that I felt there was no other path. Of course, that path was futile too.

[ . . . and Jae-ha pauses, then thoughtfully:]

What did you know before then?

[if he was just... acting out.]

[Sandalphon averts his gaze. Even now, remembering it feels like a fresh stab wound.

Darkness. Anger. Hatred. Regret. Pain.]

Why does that matter? At the end of the day, I thrust the sky realm into a state of chaos and endangered the lives of thousands of skydwellers. Here, I'm just a villain who's getting his due.

And you've decided that you're not worth redemption?

A discarded pawn has nothing of worth to offer. Redemption is wasted on a wretch like me.

But that's only what someone told you.

[ - at least, from what he can see.]

All you knew was rampage - is that it? So you took it out on other people, and now you want to pay for your crimes, you want to receive your justice and find that's the end of it.

Is it just... that you don't know what to do with living, now that you have the chance?

[Chance? What kind of a chance is this?]

What nonsense. I know what I am, and I'm simply abiding by what the higher power has decreed. He deemed my physical manifestation unnecessary to the world and erased me from that plane of existence. Who am I to question or defy his judgment?

— but that's it.

You're you. You have your own thoughts, your own feelings, your own anger. I don't agree with what you did with it but - if someone told you that you were unnecessary... that you could be so easily erased like your life doesn't matter...

[It's something he understands.

Intimately.]

Your higher power was wrong.

[Sandalphon bristles, and he snaps back in response.]

What do you know about him? I'm the one who doubted him in the first place. The fault lies with me. I was wrong!

[And it's hardly the fault of his progenitor that he turned out to be so unremarkable.]

[It's complicated and difficult and Jae-ha knows what it's like to be told by someone that you know and respect that you're worthless and have nothing to offer and yet

to feel so fiercely defensive - ]

Did you love him?

[His breath catches. Love? Is that a joke?]

Wha . . . what does that have to do with this?

If there's anything more maddening, impossible, and temperamental than hate and spite -

It's love.

[His brow furrows.]

.... you don't have to tell me - but you know, it won't help anyone or anything if you can't stand to be a bit more honest with yourself.

[He won't say anything about that. He refuses. What he feels about Lucifer is something he won't think upon—it'll only hurt.]

It doesn't matter. I'm useless either way; my feelings are irrelevant.

Was he the one who told you that - or let you think that?

[His brow furrows.]

You're not useless, and ignoring your feelings isn't productive for you, or anyone around you.

He didn't tell me anything.

[Sandalphon grits his teeth. Productive, he says.]

That's enough. I have nothing more to say.

[ . . . ]

I think you have plenty.

You know that it's alright to still be mad, don't you?

[His teeth go slack as he scowls.]

I was angry for two thousand years. It's about time that I let go.

And what do you think you have now - if you're trying to let it go? You know that there's still a chance for you to feel other things... don't you?

Like what?

There's plenty.

There's so many emotions available to work through that it's hard to begin naming them all - the grief, the happiness, the joy, the surprise, the sadness, the chance to open your heart and understand that love doesn't have to come with pain....

[ . . . . ]

It's worth a try.

[He's quiet, if for a moment. Once, he felt all of those emotions. His answer now is clipped, monotonous.]

I am an archangel. Those feelings have no place in my being.

Did someone else tell you that too? Is that what you were told you are?

Does it actually match up with what you feel?

What do you know about what it means to be an archangel? Each of us is created with a purpose, and that task is paramount. Emotions are a distraction that hinders our ability to think logically.

My purpose may no longer be relevant, but I'm still an archangel.

Because I know better than anyone else that just because you're given a purpose, that doesn't mean that it defines who you are - not if you don't want it to. Even if your entire body is telling you that you're meant for one thing, you can still choose otherwise.

As a dragon, I choose my fate with every breath I take.

It sounds like you might want to try the same.

[Those are optimistic, uplifting words—but he's tired of fighting. Sandalphon takes a quiet but deep breath.]

Fine. I've heard what you had to say. This conversation is over.

If that's what you want - just take care not to forget what I said.

Oh, rest assured. I won't.

[Jae-ha probably won't let him forget. With that, Sandalphon will take his leave.]

week 0, sunday

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I LOST THIS I'M SORRY JAE

my heart is broken, how could u

i love you

q3q

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