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[JAE-HA YOU FOOL!!! Souji is cursed and always finds his way into the loving arms of trouble and/or death!!
See: this.
Even with the warning and even with his honed (albeit suffering, thanks tb) reflexes, he's taken off his guard. Jae-ha's back with the decoration in hand and suddenly they're stuck in a bubble and boy, that happens fast!!]
... [JUST A BIG, DEEP SIGH as he places his hand on the bubble, which predictably does not budge.] I suppose it would have been too much to hope for something straight-forward for once.
See: this.
Even with the warning and even with his honed (albeit suffering, thanks tb) reflexes, he's taken off his guard. Jae-ha's back with the decoration in hand and suddenly they're stuck in a bubble and boy, that happens fast!!]
... [JUST A BIG, DEEP SIGH as he places his hand on the bubble, which predictably does not budge.] I suppose it would have been too much to hope for something straight-forward for once.
Ah... I was hoping you wouldn't get caught in my mess. [he sounds more annoyed than anything??? rip] Well, at the very least, it doesn't seem to be entirely dangerous, so we can—
[think of ways to escape.
Is what he was going to say.
But then the memory begins to play. From Jae-ha's perspective, there is only darkness, then the gnawing confusion at the approach of someone in the middle of the night - and then the pain. The relentless, pain, both inside and out as he suffers under the blows from a desperate, crazed man, and the screaming of the dragon blood in his veins in anguish. There's the screams of someone familiar, of someone that Jae-ha wanted to reach out to even as he was pummeled.
... and as the power transfers, there's the calm knowledge that escape is close. It's near.
And yet - there is no anger.
There is instead something closer to forgiveness.
His hand reaches out in the memory and -
Jae-ha blinks as it stops, his heart aching in his chest as if he's waking up from a long, long forgotten part of his past.]
[think of ways to escape.
Is what he was going to say.
But then the memory begins to play. From Jae-ha's perspective, there is only darkness, then the gnawing confusion at the approach of someone in the middle of the night - and then the pain. The relentless, pain, both inside and out as he suffers under the blows from a desperate, crazed man, and the screaming of the dragon blood in his veins in anguish. There's the screams of someone familiar, of someone that Jae-ha wanted to reach out to even as he was pummeled.
... and as the power transfers, there's the calm knowledge that escape is close. It's near.
And yet - there is no anger.
There is instead something closer to forgiveness.
His hand reaches out in the memory and -
Jae-ha blinks as it stops, his heart aching in his chest as if he's waking up from a long, long forgotten part of his past.]
["Hm this situation is vaguely inconvenient" SURE DOES CHANGE FAST!! Before Souji can even crack a dry joke about not mentioning that things aren't dangerous when they don't know the situation, the scenery has taken a sharp shift.
He doesn't recognize anything about what he's seeing, or the phantoms of the experience he's now living second-hand. He doesn't recognize that man or the wildness in his approach, doesn't understand the desperation in him even if he does - a fleeting sort of understanding, like a dream within a dream. What he's saying is painful to hear. Almost - definitely? - more so than the physical blows that rain down.
Escape is close. What escape? A hand is offered. (Are you a martyr?) He's not sure why there isn't any anger to be had here, but all the same, that seems to fit perfectly.
And then, with that promise and extended hand, they're back to where they started.
Souji's visibly quite startled to suddenly be returned to a more present reality, and definitely shaken by the experience. It's a sharp difference from the lazy memories that had woven their way into his dreams, weeks ago.]
--Jae-ha...?
[His voice is small and quiet and asks to understand.]
He doesn't recognize anything about what he's seeing, or the phantoms of the experience he's now living second-hand. He doesn't recognize that man or the wildness in his approach, doesn't understand the desperation in him even if he does - a fleeting sort of understanding, like a dream within a dream. What he's saying is painful to hear. Almost - definitely? - more so than the physical blows that rain down.
Escape is close. What escape? A hand is offered. (Are you a martyr?) He's not sure why there isn't any anger to be had here, but all the same, that seems to fit perfectly.
And then, with that promise and extended hand, they're back to where they started.
Souji's visibly quite startled to suddenly be returned to a more present reality, and definitely shaken by the experience. It's a sharp difference from the lazy memories that had woven their way into his dreams, weeks ago.]
--Jae-ha...?
[His voice is small and quiet and asks to understand.]
[ . . . so he'd seen it.
It's different from the weeks before, when Jae-ha had no clue what it was that Sousei had gotten from him. No, he relives his own experiences and watches it with Souji. He blinks the memory away, trying to regain his bearings, and he finds Souji's face staring back at him....
And his automatic instinct is to smile.
Sheepishly - it's a fragile thing - but it's a smile.]
.... a dragon's life isn't always so beautiful.
Or maybe it's just me that was unlucky... Sorry to share that with you.
It's different from the weeks before, when Jae-ha had no clue what it was that Sousei had gotten from him. No, he relives his own experiences and watches it with Souji. He blinks the memory away, trying to regain his bearings, and he finds Souji's face staring back at him....
And his automatic instinct is to smile.
Sheepishly - it's a fragile thing - but it's a smile.]
.... a dragon's life isn't always so beautiful.
Or maybe it's just me that was unlucky... Sorry to share that with you.
[ . . . . hah.]
... no, not me. The Captain doe- ... did. She remained in Awa, but she knew that I had another place to go. The brave girl who had shown up to help in the final battle... she'd come looking for a dragon. She didn't force him to leave, but rather he chose to go with her.
[ . . . for one reason or another. Jae-ha laughs faintly at that before shaking his head.]
It appears that there's always another adventure to follow, just when you think your life's work might be over. It wasn't time for me to rest yet.
Not then... not now either.
... no, not me. The Captain doe- ... did. She remained in Awa, but she knew that I had another place to go. The brave girl who had shown up to help in the final battle... she'd come looking for a dragon. She didn't force him to leave, but rather he chose to go with her.
[ . . . for one reason or another. Jae-ha laughs faintly at that before shaking his head.]
It appears that there's always another adventure to follow, just when you think your life's work might be over. It wasn't time for me to rest yet.
Not then... not now either.
Edited 2018-07-20 01:56 (UTC)
[ - well, that's not pleasant.
Jae-ha pauses, surprised - and then increasingly alarmed. He watches Souji cover his mouth and his brow furrows as he immediately, but carefully, moves to take them into the closest room behind a closed door. He places Souji down on the nearest surface, out of sight from anyone who might've just been wandering by outside.]
Hold on.
[He doesn't seem to be mindful of the blood on himself? There are bigger fish to fry. He disappears quickly, dashing into the nearest room to grab the first cloth he finds. We're gonna say it's the kitchen and it's one of the towels, and then he offers that to Souji first.]
Don't try to hold that back for my sake.
Jae-ha pauses, surprised - and then increasingly alarmed. He watches Souji cover his mouth and his brow furrows as he immediately, but carefully, moves to take them into the closest room behind a closed door. He places Souji down on the nearest surface, out of sight from anyone who might've just been wandering by outside.]
Hold on.
[He doesn't seem to be mindful of the blood on himself? There are bigger fish to fry. He disappears quickly, dashing into the nearest room to grab the first cloth he finds. We're gonna say it's the kitchen and it's one of the towels, and then he offers that to Souji first.]
Don't try to hold that back for my sake.
Ah.
[It's a soft sound of understanding, as some other things Jae-ha had said much earlier begin clicking into place in the bigger picture that he is. Souji's expression softens, something faintly fond in it.
It seems good people attract good people in the end, huh?]
That brave girl is waiting for the dragon she'd come to get, then?
[haha little does his ass know
BUT REALLY it's good to know that Jae-ha will be going back to a place like that, where he's wanted and needed and has an adventure laid out in front of him, new and fresh and exciting. And equally good that Gi-gan will continue as she had, overlooking the town she'd saved.
They'll just have to retrieve her to ensure that continues to be.]
[It's a soft sound of understanding, as some other things Jae-ha had said much earlier begin clicking into place in the bigger picture that he is. Souji's expression softens, something faintly fond in it.
It seems good people attract good people in the end, huh?]
That brave girl is waiting for the dragon she'd come to get, then?
[haha little does his ass know
BUT REALLY it's good to know that Jae-ha will be going back to a place like that, where he's wanted and needed and has an adventure laid out in front of him, new and fresh and exciting. And equally good that Gi-gan will continue as she had, overlooking the town she'd saved.
They'll just have to retrieve her to ensure that continues to be.]
[He couldn't hold back at this point even if he tried, it's fine, they're fine, HE'S FINE.
Except that by the time Jae-ha's back he's just like hacked up a small pool of blood into his hands because Anime TB™ is wild. He'll reach out for the towel without so much as a nod of acknowledgment, immediately muffling the rest of his coughing into it, which lasts another twenty or thirty seconds that stretches on Forever to his sickly ass.
The fit doesn't subside elegantly, either. He's left gasping for air through wet and rattling lungs, hands shaking from exertion as the reflexive tension starts to ebb away. It takes him a little while before he's able to even out his breathing enough to say anything. After he mops some of the remaining blood from his face, it's probably not surprising that the first thing he manages is:]
--Thank you.
[For the towel... A true comrade.]
Except that by the time Jae-ha's back he's just like hacked up a small pool of blood into his hands because Anime TB™ is wild. He'll reach out for the towel without so much as a nod of acknowledgment, immediately muffling the rest of his coughing into it, which lasts another twenty or thirty seconds that stretches on Forever to his sickly ass.
The fit doesn't subside elegantly, either. He's left gasping for air through wet and rattling lungs, hands shaking from exertion as the reflexive tension starts to ebb away. It takes him a little while before he's able to even out his breathing enough to say anything. After he mops some of the remaining blood from his face, it's probably not surprising that the first thing he manages is:]
--Thank you.
[For the towel... A true comrade.]
Edited 2018-07-20 03:03 (UTC)
[The look that he gives Jae-ha's smile is one that shows he clearly isn't sure whether or not it's a good thing. The apology that follows, at least, is something he knows how to react to. He's shaking his head instantly, brow furrowed.]
Please don't apologize for it. I'm sorry that I saw.
[Because it's an intrusion, isn't it? Something like that... To a person like Jae-ha, who speaks of the beautiful things he loves so often, there's probably something uniquely awful in having such an ugly and painful memory to hold onto. Forget about how miserable it'd be to have it revealed unwillingly to someone else.
Almost on reflex, he holds his hands up and out, like he might reach for Jae-ha's. He's better at using gestures rather than words to convey meaning.
...But of course, as Jae-ha's memory fades away, a new one begins to take its place.
It's monstrous - very much like a demon's child, the way he slices through the intruders like one would do for pigs at slaughter. From the time he unsheathes his blade to the time Yamazaki stops him, he's driven by one thought: protect them and fight. And then, trapped by one single arm, clutching at it with his free hand and listening to the cries of his men fighting and dying not too far in the distance, there comes the rest: rage, terror, helplessness, despair. A deep and crushing hatred toward himself - What do you think you can do with that body? - until a sharp prick at the back of his neck abruptly cuts the images off, leaving the current Souji stunned into silence.]
Please don't apologize for it. I'm sorry that I saw.
[Because it's an intrusion, isn't it? Something like that... To a person like Jae-ha, who speaks of the beautiful things he loves so often, there's probably something uniquely awful in having such an ugly and painful memory to hold onto. Forget about how miserable it'd be to have it revealed unwillingly to someone else.
Almost on reflex, he holds his hands up and out, like he might reach for Jae-ha's. He's better at using gestures rather than words to convey meaning.
...But of course, as Jae-ha's memory fades away, a new one begins to take its place.
It's monstrous - very much like a demon's child, the way he slices through the intruders like one would do for pigs at slaughter. From the time he unsheathes his blade to the time Yamazaki stops him, he's driven by one thought: protect them and fight. And then, trapped by one single arm, clutching at it with his free hand and listening to the cries of his men fighting and dying not too far in the distance, there comes the rest: rage, terror, helplessness, despair. A deep and crushing hatred toward himself - What do you think you can do with that body? - until a sharp prick at the back of his neck abruptly cuts the images off, leaving the current Souji stunned into silence.]
[HE'S FINE.
Jae-ha sits with him first, settling next to Souji and rubbing his back even through his coughs and he waits until it subsides. He watches in case it seems to be getting worse - how could it get worse? he figures he'll see it if it happens - and doesn't manage more than his worried expression. It's a terrible fit, he can tell that much, and when Souji expresses his gratitude, he shakes his head.]
... It's nothing. Hold on, I'll be back.
[But he didn't want to leave Souji coughing all by himself.
He disappears again to the kitchen, retrieving that glass of water and then wandering back to Souji, moving to stay next to him again and offering it out whenever he seems like he'd want to reach for it.]
If you need me to assist you, just say so.
Jae-ha sits with him first, settling next to Souji and rubbing his back even through his coughs and he waits until it subsides. He watches in case it seems to be getting worse - how could it get worse? he figures he'll see it if it happens - and doesn't manage more than his worried expression. It's a terrible fit, he can tell that much, and when Souji expresses his gratitude, he shakes his head.]
... It's nothing. Hold on, I'll be back.
[But he didn't want to leave Souji coughing all by himself.
He disappears again to the kitchen, retrieving that glass of water and then wandering back to Souji, moving to stay next to him again and offering it out whenever he seems like he'd want to reach for it.]
If you need me to assist you, just say so.
[ - it's not like Jae-ha doesn't understand it. Immediately, innately, he understands. It's not unlike where he'd been before he came here, where he knew nothing but the fact that his body had to move forward to keep going, to reach the person that he wanted to protect most. He had to be useful, even if his body was broken and battered, there was something that mattered more than his own well-being. He blinks himself out of Souji's memory even as the despair clings to the edges of it.
But there's something enlightened in his gaze.
Where Souji was reaching for his hands - Jae-ha completes the motion now, taking them and giving them a gentle but undeniably firm squeeze.
And he offers a smile, because even after the darkness of his own memory, he can't help the lightness and admiration that consumes him now.]
—You're really amazing, you know?
But there's something enlightened in his gaze.
Where Souji was reaching for his hands - Jae-ha completes the motion now, taking them and giving them a gentle but undeniably firm squeeze.
And he offers a smile, because even after the darkness of his own memory, he can't help the lightness and admiration that consumes him now.]
—You're really amazing, you know?
[It's a pretty recent memory, which makes it a little harder for him to shake it off - but the obviously unexpected reaction here clearly does just that, or at least gives him something to focus on that isn't the oppressive weight of Jae-ha's memory or the fresh sting of his own.
He hadn't been very amazing in that moment, really. Even his ability to kill had been worthless. With his failing body, he hadn't even been able to make his way out into the courtyard where the real fighting was. The filth inside of him had overflown and made a terrible mess, and Yamazaki was left having to tend to him once again.
He looks down at their hands, and even though his brow isn't furrowed, there's a distinct sense that he doesn't see where Jae-ha's coming from.]
I don't... understand.
[AMERICA EXPLAIN]
He hadn't been very amazing in that moment, really. Even his ability to kill had been worthless. With his failing body, he hadn't even been able to make his way out into the courtyard where the real fighting was. The filth inside of him had overflown and made a terrible mess, and Yamazaki was left having to tend to him once again.
He looks down at their hands, and even though his brow isn't furrowed, there's a distinct sense that he doesn't see where Jae-ha's coming from.]
I don't... understand.
[AMERICA EXPLAIN]
[Jae-ha is a true pal, and he gets a little nod in response to the offer of assistance. Not that he'll take him up on it... No more than necessary, anyway. Once Souji's breathing is a little more settled and some of the tremors have left his hands and arms, he carefully reaches out to take the glass with another murmured thanks. Just a few sips - just enough to clear his throat so that he can talk a little better.
With the careful and precise way that he starts to clean up after himself and reassemble his health, it's clear that this isn't anything new to him.]
...I'm sorry you had to see that.
[Normally he's a little better at catching his fits before they start. But normally he isn't also dealing with a deadass vice-commander and a sword he's had to execute, so.]
With the careful and precise way that he starts to clean up after himself and reassemble his health, it's clear that this isn't anything new to him.]
...I'm sorry you had to see that.
[Normally he's a little better at catching his fits before they start. But normally he isn't also dealing with a deadass vice-commander and a sword he's had to execute, so.]
[Jae-ha shakes his head and - ]
I should explain... I felt what you felt in that moment and - I suppose I can understand. That moment when your body won't do what you want it to... I came from a battlefield not long before I arrived here at this castle, and I felt every last bit of my energy expended right in the middle of a fight. It was frustrating, and I couldn't stand it.
[But he can't quite shake his smile as he meets Souji's eyes.]
You really didn't want to listen to anyone, did you? But - even if it's possibly not right, I think that's amazing. You knew what you wanted to do, what you had to do... and I'm torn -
Because I understand the people who are worried about you. I get worried about you. Of course they want you out of harm's way when the pain of losing you would be so great....
[ . . . ]
But it's frustrating, isn't it? That's no way to live - in obedience, waiting for the end to come patiently.
So that moving forward, fighting until your last breath to live the life that you want to instead of the one that you're told to... I think that's beautiful.
You're really something.
I should explain... I felt what you felt in that moment and - I suppose I can understand. That moment when your body won't do what you want it to... I came from a battlefield not long before I arrived here at this castle, and I felt every last bit of my energy expended right in the middle of a fight. It was frustrating, and I couldn't stand it.
[But he can't quite shake his smile as he meets Souji's eyes.]
You really didn't want to listen to anyone, did you? But - even if it's possibly not right, I think that's amazing. You knew what you wanted to do, what you had to do... and I'm torn -
Because I understand the people who are worried about you. I get worried about you. Of course they want you out of harm's way when the pain of losing you would be so great....
[ . . . ]
But it's frustrating, isn't it? That's no way to live - in obedience, waiting for the end to come patiently.
So that moving forward, fighting until your last breath to live the life that you want to instead of the one that you're told to... I think that's beautiful.
You're really something.
[You know.
No one except Hijikata really understood, until now - and Hijikata himself hadn't yet known the extent of his illness. Not in the way Yamazaki had. Yamazaki, who wanted to force him to continue living, even if it meant wasting away in bed, so far away from the battlefields he was born for that he couldn't even be water for the new flowers waiting to bloom. Yamazaki, who had done nothing wrong, but who he still held in mildly bitter regard just because he did hate being forced to bend to that will.
There's understanding in his own eyes, first, and then an almost fever-bright sort of intensity as it really clicks. Someone gets it. Souji's suddenly grasping Jae-ha's hands in turn with a strength that someone so sickly shouldn't reasonably be capable of, stepping forward with the urgency of a dying man, heedless of the fact that the bubble is dissipating around them, like his view has narrowed down to a singular point.
He thinks of the memory he'd seen. Of the iron shackling Jae-ha down, only for him to break it so easily, to decide on his own terms what he would or wouldn't offer. Where he would or wouldn't go. Is that where it came from? The aesthetic that he lives by, even today?]
That's-- [That's exactly it, isn't it?] That's where I'm meant to be. [Or perhaps more importantly:] That's where I want to be. I've only ever wanted that.
[To live and die as a sword. It's awful - he's awful, really - but he'd certainly do anything if it meant he could die by his own terms. In a sudden burst of honesty:]
I can't stand it. Being told to sit in my room like that, like I'm meant to wait there until I die - I really can't stand it. You understand.
[Not a question so much as a confirmation. Even like this, one person is able to see what he so desperately wants and still say I think that's beautiful.
The amazing one is Jae-ha, really.]
No one except Hijikata really understood, until now - and Hijikata himself hadn't yet known the extent of his illness. Not in the way Yamazaki had. Yamazaki, who wanted to force him to continue living, even if it meant wasting away in bed, so far away from the battlefields he was born for that he couldn't even be water for the new flowers waiting to bloom. Yamazaki, who had done nothing wrong, but who he still held in mildly bitter regard just because he did hate being forced to bend to that will.
There's understanding in his own eyes, first, and then an almost fever-bright sort of intensity as it really clicks. Someone gets it. Souji's suddenly grasping Jae-ha's hands in turn with a strength that someone so sickly shouldn't reasonably be capable of, stepping forward with the urgency of a dying man, heedless of the fact that the bubble is dissipating around them, like his view has narrowed down to a singular point.
He thinks of the memory he'd seen. Of the iron shackling Jae-ha down, only for him to break it so easily, to decide on his own terms what he would or wouldn't offer. Where he would or wouldn't go. Is that where it came from? The aesthetic that he lives by, even today?]
That's-- [That's exactly it, isn't it?] That's where I'm meant to be. [Or perhaps more importantly:] That's where I want to be. I've only ever wanted that.
[To live and die as a sword. It's awful - he's awful, really - but he'd certainly do anything if it meant he could die by his own terms. In a sudden burst of honesty:]
I can't stand it. Being told to sit in my room like that, like I'm meant to wait there until I die - I really can't stand it. You understand.
[Not a question so much as a confirmation. Even like this, one person is able to see what he so desperately wants and still say I think that's beautiful.
The amazing one is Jae-ha, really.]
[Without question - he nods. He doesn't pull his hands away from Souji's, only squeezes them back in return. There's no stopping the smile on his face or the laugh that he has to offer at that because - of course he understands.]
Of course I do.
[And his brow furrows because - ]
... they mean well, don't they? When they tell you to rest, when they keep you somewhere because they think that's what's right - [whether you're waiting for death or for a master that you never agreed to] - but that's still just what they want. They won't have to be the ones who have to live with being told to patiently wait, however long that is, for whatever is coming.
[He raises both of their hands up, just so that he can kiss the back of Souji's hands without hesitation.]
But if these hands have something else they want to do - if your legs have somewhere else that you want to go, if it means living on your own terms....
How can I ever tell you to stop?
Of course I do.
[And his brow furrows because - ]
... they mean well, don't they? When they tell you to rest, when they keep you somewhere because they think that's what's right - [whether you're waiting for death or for a master that you never agreed to] - but that's still just what they want. They won't have to be the ones who have to live with being told to patiently wait, however long that is, for whatever is coming.
[He raises both of their hands up, just so that he can kiss the back of Souji's hands without hesitation.]
But if these hands have something else they want to do - if your legs have somewhere else that you want to go, if it means living on your own terms....
How can I ever tell you to stop?
[Of course he does.
Souji turns his palms after Jae-ha kisses the back of his hands, carefully cradling his face instead. In sharp contrast to the crushing grip his fingers were capable of just seconds before, his touch is light here, like he's searching for something delicate with his fingertips, or like he's afraid of scaring away the warmth beneath his skin.
He's not strong. Not really. Matsumoto had said he was - had called him a man stronger than a doctor himself - but he wouldn't call what fuels him strength so much as ignorance, or selfishness. He's a very selfish person, constantly making grabs for more than he's owed. Always wanting for more. Always hurting the people around him because he can't be satisfied with just existing, because just existing is simply not enough.]
I don't want to stop.
[Not until there's no use left in him, and he can die knowing he achieved everything he could hope to achieve, being what he is.]
...You never regret it, do you? Leaving that room behind. I want to live like that for as long as I have left.
[After all, it's not dying young that frightens him. It's wasting away, full of regret, and leaving nothing worth remembering behind.]
Souji turns his palms after Jae-ha kisses the back of his hands, carefully cradling his face instead. In sharp contrast to the crushing grip his fingers were capable of just seconds before, his touch is light here, like he's searching for something delicate with his fingertips, or like he's afraid of scaring away the warmth beneath his skin.
He's not strong. Not really. Matsumoto had said he was - had called him a man stronger than a doctor himself - but he wouldn't call what fuels him strength so much as ignorance, or selfishness. He's a very selfish person, constantly making grabs for more than he's owed. Always wanting for more. Always hurting the people around him because he can't be satisfied with just existing, because just existing is simply not enough.]
I don't want to stop.
[Not until there's no use left in him, and he can die knowing he achieved everything he could hope to achieve, being what he is.]
...You never regret it, do you? Leaving that room behind. I want to live like that for as long as I have left.
[After all, it's not dying young that frightens him. It's wasting away, full of regret, and leaving nothing worth remembering behind.]
[Jae-ha doesn't flinch away from the hands on his face - rather there's an automatic, instinctive way that he leans into Souji's touch without hesitation. There's warmth and gentleness there and he wants to drink in every single show of affection that he's offered.
At the question he laughs faintly - and he shakes his head ever so slightly. Not even enough to shake off Souji's hands, but rather just to accompany his explanation.]
They told me - they said there would be nothing for me in the outside world. People would be afraid, or they'd find me ugly, or I would never find a place to belong. That instead, I should stay where I was. Maybe one day there would be someone coming for me, a King that wanted to use my power, and then I could leave. But... I spent twelve years in there, and nothing ever changed.
Nothing ever made me stop wanting to run as far as I could - to have a life of my own, how I wanted it.
Everyone dies - and dragon die earlier than most - so why should I spend the time I have doing as other people say?
At the question he laughs faintly - and he shakes his head ever so slightly. Not even enough to shake off Souji's hands, but rather just to accompany his explanation.]
They told me - they said there would be nothing for me in the outside world. People would be afraid, or they'd find me ugly, or I would never find a place to belong. That instead, I should stay where I was. Maybe one day there would be someone coming for me, a King that wanted to use my power, and then I could leave. But... I spent twelve years in there, and nothing ever changed.
Nothing ever made me stop wanting to run as far as I could - to have a life of my own, how I wanted it.
Everyone dies - and dragon die earlier than most - so why should I spend the time I have doing as other people say?
[Souji hums a little as Jae-ha explains, trying to take in the information and really understand it. There's already something in it that he can understand on an innate level, though, having been kept away from people due to his fearsome strength even as a small child. These hands that he'd hated so much had eventually become useful, and being able to cleave through enemies effortlessly wound up bringing him great happiness in the form of praise, of being wanted, of being a necessary piece to the backbone of the Shinsengumi.
Now, they're soft and careful, fingers curving down the sides of Jae-ha's face, following his jawline until they're close enough to touch the sides of his mouth. It's a meandering, aimless sort of gesture. Souji is always hungry for contact, and when he feels particularly lifeless, he seeks out the life in those bursting with it.
Funny, then, that Jae-ha is also running on a shorter clock than most.]
I'm glad that you left that place.
[Even if it feels like it was probably an inevitable thing. Jae-ha may not be fond of tales of fate or destiny, but it does seem to him like he was probably someone fated from the start to break free from anyone or anything that would try to confine him, pin him like a butterfly, tell him what he should make of the world.
He stares at Jae-ha's face in a way that's almost sharp, then, but there's something in his expression that seems admirous regardless.]
...Is it hard for you to imagine what it would be like to grow old?
Now, they're soft and careful, fingers curving down the sides of Jae-ha's face, following his jawline until they're close enough to touch the sides of his mouth. It's a meandering, aimless sort of gesture. Souji is always hungry for contact, and when he feels particularly lifeless, he seeks out the life in those bursting with it.
Funny, then, that Jae-ha is also running on a shorter clock than most.]
I'm glad that you left that place.
[Even if it feels like it was probably an inevitable thing. Jae-ha may not be fond of tales of fate or destiny, but it does seem to him like he was probably someone fated from the start to break free from anyone or anything that would try to confine him, pin him like a butterfly, tell him what he should make of the world.
He stares at Jae-ha's face in a way that's almost sharp, then, but there's something in his expression that seems admirous regardless.]
...Is it hard for you to imagine what it would be like to grow old?
... what a question...
[It's a response that Jae-ha breathes out softly in the space between them, even as he feels Souji's hands trace along the lines of his face. He remains still up until he seems to think about that, a small hum emanating from his throat as he reaches to wrap his own fingers around Souji's wrists to lightly hold them in place even as Jae-ha's head turns. It's a thoughtless, simple thing to kiss Souji's fingertips on one hand, like he'd taken their touch by the edge of his lips as a request.]
... It's never been something meant for me. I'd been told - dragons die very soon after a new one is born. They never make it to thirty years.
[He presses a kiss into the center of Souji's palm, careless of any callouses or roughness that might belong on a swordsman's hands.]
So I'd never thought that life would be for me. I was never given as much time as everyone else... so I've never given it any thought. Besides -
[His eyes flick to meet Souji's gaze properly even as he turns Souji's hand so that he can press a kiss over his pulse point on the inside of his wrist.]
Plenty of people die before they grow old - what's the difference as long as I make sure my years count for something?
[It's a response that Jae-ha breathes out softly in the space between them, even as he feels Souji's hands trace along the lines of his face. He remains still up until he seems to think about that, a small hum emanating from his throat as he reaches to wrap his own fingers around Souji's wrists to lightly hold them in place even as Jae-ha's head turns. It's a thoughtless, simple thing to kiss Souji's fingertips on one hand, like he'd taken their touch by the edge of his lips as a request.]
... It's never been something meant for me. I'd been told - dragons die very soon after a new one is born. They never make it to thirty years.
[He presses a kiss into the center of Souji's palm, careless of any callouses or roughness that might belong on a swordsman's hands.]
So I'd never thought that life would be for me. I was never given as much time as everyone else... so I've never given it any thought. Besides -
[His eyes flick to meet Souji's gaze properly even as he turns Souji's hand so that he can press a kiss over his pulse point on the inside of his wrist.]
Plenty of people die before they grow old - what's the difference as long as I make sure my years count for something?
[There's a second where he tenses reflexively, since warrior's instinct has him naturally bristling to be pinned in any way, even if his wrists are just being lightly held. But it's a tension that only lasts a second, and Souji lets Jae-ha kiss his fingers and hands and wrist with an almost docile acceptance that brightly contrasts with how sharp he is in battle.
It's nice, though. Being able to feel close to others like this is nice.]
So you don't have many left.
[Years, that is. There's something in his voice that might be a little melancholy, but he doesn't exactly sound mournful. Not even surprised, really. Maybe there's something to that notion he'd heard once - how people close to death can sense it on others.
Carefully, he extracts one hand from Jae-ha's hold, but only so he can grab that hand for himself. He guides it to his own face, so he can rest his fevered cheek against it, briefly closing his eyes.]
Do you think you'll die with no regrets, then?
It's nice, though. Being able to feel close to others like this is nice.]
So you don't have many left.
[Years, that is. There's something in his voice that might be a little melancholy, but he doesn't exactly sound mournful. Not even surprised, really. Maybe there's something to that notion he'd heard once - how people close to death can sense it on others.
Carefully, he extracts one hand from Jae-ha's hold, but only so he can grab that hand for himself. He guides it to his own face, so he can rest his fevered cheek against it, briefly closing his eyes.]
Do you think you'll die with no regrets, then?
... that's hard to say. I'm surprised regularly - each day, I might find something more than I want to do.
[Something that he might not have time for.
He lets Souji take his hand easily at that, gently cupping Souji's cheek in return. His free hand moves to tuck Souji's hair behind his ear on the other side of his face, letting his fingers fall to trace the line of his jaw quietly.]
I think I could stand to want to sit here with you for a while longer... is one.
[He tilts his head. It's sweet words - and while he means them, he also knows that he's using them to fill the space as he finds the words for the rest of his answer. It's one thing to know them innately, but perhaps it's another to actually say them out loud.]
But as long as I pursue what I want to do, and live the way I want to, even if it's not always beautiful for others to watch by the end... that's the only type of life I want to live. Protecting the people that I want to protect, being at the side of the ones that I choose on my own, and pursuing anything else that I could want as passionately as I can.
[Something that he might not have time for.
He lets Souji take his hand easily at that, gently cupping Souji's cheek in return. His free hand moves to tuck Souji's hair behind his ear on the other side of his face, letting his fingers fall to trace the line of his jaw quietly.]
I think I could stand to want to sit here with you for a while longer... is one.
[He tilts his head. It's sweet words - and while he means them, he also knows that he's using them to fill the space as he finds the words for the rest of his answer. It's one thing to know them innately, but perhaps it's another to actually say them out loud.]
But as long as I pursue what I want to do, and live the way I want to, even if it's not always beautiful for others to watch by the end... that's the only type of life I want to live. Protecting the people that I want to protect, being at the side of the ones that I choose on my own, and pursuing anything else that I could want as passionately as I can.
[Isn't that the worst of it? That no matter how satisfied you are with the things you've done, there are always more things, grander things, better and bigger things - things that will remain unseen, untouched, untried, unheard. He's at peace with a short life, it's true. He has been since long before he first fell ill. But that doesn't stop his selfish heart from wanting more.
Souji lifts his chin a little as Jae-ha's fingers trace out his jaw, huffing out a laugh without a smile to match it.]
I think I understand what you mean... ["I can only do my best", maybe. Things are unpredictable in that awful and beautiful way life can sometimes be, but if you pursue what you believe to be right with the full amount of vigor that you can... That's all, isn't it? That's all.] Someone like you doesn't deserve to regret, so I hope you find satisfaction in the way that you live.
[Finally, he smiles, as if a belated reaction separated from his laugh by the threads of frankly morbid thought that his mind is occupied with. He turns his face a little, speaking half into Jae-ha's palm.]
I could never really picture myself living to an old age, either.
[Maybe he should keep pursuing what he wants as passionately as he can, too.]
Souji lifts his chin a little as Jae-ha's fingers trace out his jaw, huffing out a laugh without a smile to match it.]
I think I understand what you mean... ["I can only do my best", maybe. Things are unpredictable in that awful and beautiful way life can sometimes be, but if you pursue what you believe to be right with the full amount of vigor that you can... That's all, isn't it? That's all.] Someone like you doesn't deserve to regret, so I hope you find satisfaction in the way that you live.
[Finally, he smiles, as if a belated reaction separated from his laugh by the threads of frankly morbid thought that his mind is occupied with. He turns his face a little, speaking half into Jae-ha's palm.]
I could never really picture myself living to an old age, either.
[Maybe he should keep pursuing what he wants as passionately as he can, too.]
I don't foresee any regrets in my future.
[It's the way that Jae-ha exists - the constant restlessness, the pursuit of what he wants to do, so long as it doesn't hurt others. Breaking away from any shackles, any expectations that belong to other people, even if it means defying fate and prophecy itself. He'll go against his own blood if it means that his heart and mind can pursue what's beautiful.
Yet when Souji moves his face, Jae-ha pulls away only a fraction. Just enough to guide Souji's face back to his, only so that Jae-ha can move to close some of the space between them -
He'll let his forehead fall against Souji's as a smile blooms across his lips.]
I'd like to have as much time with you as I can selfishly take.
[That much he can admit to - because there are people that Jae-ha won't want to leave even if he got 1,000 years more than he currently has. And yet...]
But if there's something that drives you, that you'd sooner chase after until your legs don't work, that you'd rather pursue selfishly in the name of your own ideals than let pass by safely -
I'll be the last person to tell you that that's wrong.
[It's the way that Jae-ha exists - the constant restlessness, the pursuit of what he wants to do, so long as it doesn't hurt others. Breaking away from any shackles, any expectations that belong to other people, even if it means defying fate and prophecy itself. He'll go against his own blood if it means that his heart and mind can pursue what's beautiful.
Yet when Souji moves his face, Jae-ha pulls away only a fraction. Just enough to guide Souji's face back to his, only so that Jae-ha can move to close some of the space between them -
He'll let his forehead fall against Souji's as a smile blooms across his lips.]
I'd like to have as much time with you as I can selfishly take.
[That much he can admit to - because there are people that Jae-ha won't want to leave even if he got 1,000 years more than he currently has. And yet...]
But if there's something that drives you, that you'd sooner chase after until your legs don't work, that you'd rather pursue selfishly in the name of your own ideals than let pass by safely -
I'll be the last person to tell you that that's wrong.
[No regrets sounds like a beautiful way to live, so it's only fitting that Jae-ha live it to the fullest just like that, right?
Maybe he's a little envious.
There's a mildly inquisitive look as his face is guided straight again, and Jae-ha's forehead is probably a little cool compared to his own, considering his fever. But it's still nice. Solid. The words are sweet and kind and they make him smile, and he's bringing his hands up again, resting feather-light against the sides of Jae-ha's head.
Softly:]
I don't think it's what happens to me.
[He hasn't read the history books that he had brought along with him so many weeks ago. Hijikata had died just two days after he first found them, and the could never really rope up the courage he needed to check after that. But between what he knows about his own health and the things Yasusada had said, he can hazard a decent guess.]
But it's a nice dream to have. I'll make the most of what I have while I can, too.
[Even if that just means treasuring the things he's found and the people he loves right here, right now.]
Maybe he's a little envious.
There's a mildly inquisitive look as his face is guided straight again, and Jae-ha's forehead is probably a little cool compared to his own, considering his fever. But it's still nice. Solid. The words are sweet and kind and they make him smile, and he's bringing his hands up again, resting feather-light against the sides of Jae-ha's head.
Softly:]
I don't think it's what happens to me.
[He hasn't read the history books that he had brought along with him so many weeks ago. Hijikata had died just two days after he first found them, and the could never really rope up the courage he needed to check after that. But between what he knows about his own health and the things Yasusada had said, he can hazard a decent guess.]
But it's a nice dream to have. I'll make the most of what I have while I can, too.
[Even if that just means treasuring the things he's found and the people he loves right here, right now.]
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